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Dear Eric: I have a Facebook friend whose husband recently died. She posted how and when he passed away and then said that if anyone wanted to send anything to let her know and she‘d send her address.

I thought the last part was tacky. Wouldn’t you think if someone wanted to send something and they didn’t know her address, they’d simply ask her?

– Facebook Friend

Dear Friend: If by “tacky” you mean good and thoughtful communication, then sure. Yes, if someone wanted her address, they could ask. But isn’t it possible that some people might want to reach out but might not feel comfortable asking for her address? Maybe they’d think they were bothering her during a painful time, or they’d be embarrassed that they didn’t have the address earlier. By posting what she did, she alleviates those barriers.

It’s not tacky to acknowledge that people want to reach out after someone has passed. This doesn’t strike me as a solicitation of condolences, but even if it was, what of it? If someone needs support after losing their spouse, they shouldn’t hesitate to ask for it, from friends, loved ones, or even those people they only know through Facebook.

Dear Eric: I am a 74-year-old widow with two adult children. My firstborn, a son, and I were very close. He and his wife moved 500 miles away to another state. His wife and I got along great before they moved. They now have a baby and a toddler, my only grandchildren. I have visited them about five times, about once every eight or nine months, each a visit of four or five days.

I stayed in their new home the first couple of visits, but my daughter-in-law has changed and made me feel strangely unwelcome.

She has done things that embarrassed me, like she’s taken photos of me in less than flattering moments without my knowledge, which she thought were humorous. So, I got the message and rented an Airbnb after that, which also then required renting a car.

But my subsequent visits have been less than enjoyable. I get very little time with my son, as he works a 10-hour day.

I have tried to break through the ice with her, but now she avoids casual conversation with me.

I have made the decision not to visit anymore. I can talk to my son on the phone for hours after she goes to bed and have more alone time than during visits. I am not wealthy and the airfare, long-term parking, car rental, Airbnb, taking them out to dinner and lunch, groceries, make for about $2,000 or more per visit. It’s the equivalent of a vacation but it’s not fun. The airports make the trips even more stressful. These visits leave me pissed off and hurt and financially drained. So, I'm just not going to do it anymore. I’d be interested in your opinion.

– Unwelcome Mother-in-Law

Dear Mother-in-Law: Up until the very end, I was going to suggest you talk to your son about the way you’re feeling and ask him how you can all work together to plan a trip that meets everyone’s needs. And I do think that’s still a good idea. But if the trips aren’t enjoyable and they’re breaking the bank, it’s fine to take a little time off.

This might even give you an entry point into the conversation with your son. You could tell him that you’re skipping the next trip because it’s hard to manage financially and also ask him if he’s noticed any of the issues that you detailed in your letter.

You’ll be better served by being open about the way you’re feeling and asking your son, and eventually your daughter-in-law, to help you come up with a solution. But in the meantime, keep communication up so that you’re not losing the connection.

Dear Eric: How long is too long to be talking about a breakup? My best friend got divorced two years ago and she’s still not over it. I want to say something like move on, but I don’t want to be insensitive.

– Time for a New Topic

Dear Topic: Everybody has their own timetable. There’s no set schedule for getting over something as emotionally jarring and as life-altering as divorce.

Your friend might consider processing her feelings with a therapist, and this is something you can suggest.

You can also point out patterns as you see them in a non-judgmental way. “I’ve noticed you’ve brought up your ex a lot in this conversation. I’m worried about you and I want you to feel closure about a bad situation. Is there a way I can help you? Would you mind if I gently change the subject when he comes up to give you something more positive to focus on?”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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