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Dear Eric: After college, I moved to Chicago even though my parents wanted me to move back home. They live in a suburb outside of Indianapolis. It’s fine for them but I wanted better career prospects and a social life that was different from what I had growing up.

I’m really happy here. It’s been five years and I don’t see any reason to move back.

Recently, I joined my parents on vacation at the lake, and they had what felt like an intervention for me. They and my aunt and uncle basically ambushed me at dinner and pointed out all these things that had changed about me. Each one of these things was an indication I was “losing myself.” Some of them were so silly, like I was letting my facial hair grow out and I once talked about a friend of mine and used “they” to refer to them (because they are non-binary).

They ended the meal by saying I had a lot to think about. I don’t really know what to do with this.

– Changed for the Better

Dear Changed: I’m not sure you do have a lot to think about. It sounds like they have a lot to think about, namely their acceptance and their expectations of you.

It’s reasonable and understandable to be concerned about a young adult child, especially when that child is in a different city. And they may have been letting their anxieties get the best of them. Try to hear the “note behind the note.” Is there something they want for you that you also want for yourself? If so, you may be able to find that without moving home, if you don’t want to.

If you’re curious, you might ask them to say more about what’s really going on, encouraging them to stay away from surface details. Ask them if they feel your relationship with them has changed in ways that make them nervous. If you were available enough to go on a lake vacation with just them and sit through an intervention dinner, it doesn’t sound like you’re neglecting them or your relationship with them. But it might be useful to poke around a bit to see if there’s some unmet expectation.

Most importantly, remember that this is a growing time for them and for you. Some of that growth will happen in tandem; most will happen separately. Focus on maintaining your connection and be clear with yourself, and them, about what your goals are and how you aspire to walk through the world.

Dear Eric: I do ballroom dance and we dance with many different partners throughout the evening. There is one gentleman that I dance with who likes to tell corny jokes. One of us will ask the other to dance, then he will invariably tell a corny joke or two before we begin dancing.

His latest was “What do attorneys wear to court? Lawsuits.” Corny.

I don’t find the jokes funny, or even clever. I’m not sure why he tells me the jokes. I usually just smile or groan. I have never laughed or encouraged more.

I thought he would recognize that I wasn’t enjoying them and stop, but that hasn’t happened. He seems oblivious to the fact. I’m sure he’s this way with all the women that he dances with, not just me. I assume he’s this way in life.

Is there a kind and polite way to tell this gentleman to stop telling me jokes? Or do I just continue to smile and groan since it seems like this is just the way he is? Why do people tell corny jokes at all? Is it anxiety or some need?

– Stop the Jokes Please

Dear Jokes: This may just be his way of breaking the ice, albeit one that’s grating to you. For him, the annoying part of it may be part of the “charm.” There’s a big audience for so-called “dad jokes.”

I’m mostly tempted to say just ignore it. You don’t have to grin or smile, if you don’t want to. You’re there to dance and it’s OK to keep your focus on that without offering a pity laugh to this man.

However, it’s noteworthy that you wrote he’s this way with all the women he dances with. He may consider this some kind of flirting and it’s clear that, at least in your case, it’s not welcome. If these jokes are making you uncomfortable or you feel that there is a pressure to give him a smile, a laugh, or do some other kind of emotional maintenance, it might be helpful to address it head-on. You can say something simple like, “I’m not a ‘dad joke’ person and it takes me out of the experience. Next time, can we just enjoy dancing together?”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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