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Dear Eric: This morning my wife made small talk that "couple X" never shows any public displays of affection (PDA). We're not talking about tongue-in-mouth stuff, but kind words, admiring glances, holding hands, cuddling – light-duty affection. Something she and I do (retired and married 17 years) frequently.

I proceeded to name virtually every couple we know, with only a few exceptions, who are also such.

My question is: Are we so different from the "normal"? She and I pondered if people are actually uncomfortable with even mild PDA in front of them? Are we pushing friends away?

– Affectionate Couple

Dear Couple: Let’s take the first question separately. There’s no normal, per se. Every couple and every relationship works by their own rules. Some couples hold hands every chance they can get; others prefer to show affection in other ways. Some couples feel more compelled to be physically affectionate on vacation or during special times. It really boils down to whatever feels comfortable for them.

To that end, your level of affection is what works for your wife and you. That’s what matters.

It doesn’t sound like you have reason to believe that your friends are being put off by your mild PDA, as you put it. Has anyone said anything or otherwise expressed discomfort? It’s possible they don’t care or they don’t notice it.

While some PDA can be quite distracting, much of it – affectionate glances and the like – tends to fade into the wallpaper. And, more often than not, it’s nice to be around a couple that likes each other. What a treat.

This is an innocuous enough topic that you could ask your friends about it without fear of making things awkward. So, if it remains heavy on your mind, you could check in to make sure they’re not uncomfortable with something you’re doing. This is a considerate gesture that keeps the lines of communication open in a friendship.

Dear Eric: I have something to add to your response to “Unwelcome Mother”, whose adult daughter had harsh things to say about her parenting and whose husband died by his own hand when the daughter was young.

My husband's first wife died by her own hand when my stepdaughter was very young but old enough to remember. Such abandonment wounds are deep and destabilizing; the younger the child the deeper the wound and the harder to form a sense of self and of value as an adult. It is very likely that the letter writer’s child had emotional needs that were impossible for any parent to meet. And it's likely that the letter writer had moments when she was not emotionally available to one or all of her children.

Understandably so; she suffered a horrific loss and was then expected to function for two. In unpacking such deep childhood wounds, there are often stages of therapy where the adult in therapy has to acknowledge the wounded child within in order to heal. I would like to give the letter writer the hope that as her child works through this, she may come out with more understanding and compassion for her.

I found that dialectical behavioral therapy has worked wonders for my stepdaughter.

Most of us are doing our best and it is not always good enough in the moment. And we can do better. And we can give ourselves and each other grace in our human frailty and imperfection.

– Good Enough Parent

Dear Parent: Thank you for this wise and empathetic response. It’s true: most of us are doing our best. When faced with unimaginable loss and trauma, our best may not look like what others want it to look like. But with compassion, communication, and time we can still find each other.

Dear Eric: I thought your answer to the letter writer concerned about the state of their clothing was a kind and compassionate one (“Clothes’d Off”). However, I think you missed a great opportunity to speak up for the power of mending. Clothes will get worn, and tears will happen. Too often, we assume that this is the end of their useful life. Yet, in many cases simple mending, either done yourself or taken to a dry cleaner can fix the problem. Mending will almost always cost less than new.

Many places are now starting mending “clinics” where people can bring things for simple repairs or even learn simple mending skills themselves. Craft and sewing shops may teach these as well. Not to mention all the free content on YouTube.

Finally, depending on the material, dying can often cover stains.

– New Again

Dear New Again: Wonderful. Thank you for bringing this up. Additionally, many public libraries will let folks borrow a sewing machine and some even offer sewing classes. A great resource.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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