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Dear Eric: This is something that has bothered me for decades and I still don't know whether I did the right thing or not.

When it was revealed that my wife had been cheating for a few years with a coworker who later became my children's stepfather half the time, I wanted to protect my daughter's relationship with her mother. My son was too young to understand any of this at the time.

My daughter was eight. When she was 12, she asked me if (the affair partner) "was around" in her mother's life when we were married. My focus was always on my children, and I did not want to damage their relationship with their mother since it was me and not them that she had cheated on.

I told her that when she turned 16, I would tell her the truth. She probably gleaned the truth from that, but I kept to the timetable. She did ask me then. My daughter and her mother have a very cool, though polite, relationship 30-plus years later.

Is there a hard-and-fast rule to handle this situation? It seems that no matter what, cheating spouses create a large blast area of emotional damage.

– Hard Truths

Dear Truths: Unfortunately, the only hard-and-fast rule is that in situations like this there is more than enough pain to go around and sometimes there are no good choices, only good intentions. The empathy you showed to your daughter and to her mother was kind. You were put into a tough position, and an unfair one. This isn’t a knock against your daughter. She naturally had questions and sought answers from someone she trusted. It sounds like you did what you thought was best in the moment.

I encourage you to release yourself from wonder and regret about these conversations with your daughter. If you were to do it again, you might have talked to your ex-wife about your daughter’s questions, leaving it to her to be proactive about parenting your daughter, framing what happened, and maintaining the relationship with her. But it sounds like you were operating from a place of good intentions in a tough situation. If your daughter and her mother haven’t been able to establish a closer relationship, that’s not your fault and it’s not within your power to fix.

Dear Eric: I am a 74-year-old female caring for my 66-year-old brother with dementia. I left my home and relocated to take care of him as his wife passed and his two children do not help or really care.

I am exhausted from constant cleaning him hygienically and his inability to sleep through the night. He constantly soils himself.

He is in home hospice care with aides coming three days a week. As soon as they leave, he soils himself while in bed or in his recliner. It is constant changing of bed sheets and washing.

I love him and try to take care of his needs cheerfully and not begrudgingly but am having a hard time wondering if he is just lazy, doesn't care or is truly this incontinent.

When do I say enough is enough and put him in a nursing facility? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Struggling Sister

Dear Sister: As a caregiver, a lot is being asked of you, physically, logistically, and emotionally. This is a hard job and the level of frustration you’re feeling makes sense. You’re trying so hard and it never seems to be enough.

While it may be hard to take the emotion out of your decision about what to do next, that may be the most helpful thing. Ask yourself what scenario is going to provide your brother with the best care, especially as his condition worsens and his needs change.

Also ask yourself if you’re the best person to be providing his needs. This isn’t meant to be critical of you at all. Rather, the hope is that it becomes a little easier to separate a sense of obligation from pragmatic decision-making. There could be other options that give you relief and maintain his quality of life.

Talk to his doctors, his social worker, and the aides about other options. There may be more in-home help available, there could be other support available to you from your local or state government to supplement the work you’re doing. Also, his team may advise that a specific nursing home or memory care facility would improve his quality of life in some ways.

Thinking about other options that can relieve some of the burden on you is also a loving act. It’s not pushing the can down the road. It’s shameful that his children aren’t supporting him or you. But you don’t have to do this alone.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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