ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My best friend is always single. Not for lack of trying, but he just never meets the right person. I think it’s starting to get him down as he nears 40. I have tried to set him up in the past, but it never went anywhere. When I’d ask my friends about him and the dates, my friends would say he was nice but there just wasn’t a spark. I don’t know what advice to tell him about how to be more interesting to potential dates.

– Sparkless

Dear Sparkless: I don’t know all that much about camping, but I do know to light a tinder you need a flint and a steel. It’s possible that your friend’s flint isn’t meeting other people’s steel and so there aren’t sparks on either side. All that to say, this may not be his fault.

Dating can be a challenge. It can feel like auditioning constantly for a show one isn’t even sure one wants to be on. Which is why it’s sometimes better to step away from the hunt and focus on cultivating the friendships that matter and the interests that do spark.

So many couples meet while doing a shared activity, like volunteering or singing in a choir or playing in a rec league. He can join an activity in hopes of meeting someone, but it’s better to join in hopes of getting to know himself. The more your friend is rooted in what he values and who he is, the brighter the light inside him will be. He may not even need another spark.

Dear Eric: I am the youngest of two sons. When we were children, my brother was the "perfect" child, and I was the backup kid. He got all the love and attention, and I was pretty much ignored. Fast-forward several decades and this is still the case. He is a college dropout, single, now in his 70s, and has never worked a full-time job.

Fifteen years ago, our father had surgery and my brother moved in with him to help with his recovery. My father and I expected him to move out once my father healed. Nope, he's still there, living rent free and smoking cigarettes and pot all day. He runs errands in a car that I gave him, but otherwise does nothing.

While I do appreciate that my father, who is in his 90s, does not live alone, I do not appreciate my brother's laziness. I pay all the bills and handle all home maintenance. I also take my father to any appointments.

The house is a mess. My father sits in a chair all day looking out a window. He had expressed interest in them moving into a retirement home, an idea I supported as they would interact with others and get healthy food instead of the frozen TV dinners my brother provides now. But my father changed his mind, knowing that the community would not allow my brother to smoke.

A couple of years ago my wife helped with some cleaning, throwing away old trash that had piled up in a basement room. My brother was furious and banned her from ever returning. Earlier this year, I was banned for a similar "offense." My father therefore has no human interaction other than my brother, as the neighbors no longer visit because my brother alienated

all of them.

Do you have any advice or thoughts?

– The Backup Kid

Dear Kid: It sounds like you need to intervene more forcefully on your father’s behalf. Some of your brother’s behavior could indicate elder abuse – isolation, neglect, for instance. At the very least, he’s not providing your father with the care that he needs.

It’s possible that your brother is taking advantage of your father financially, as well. It behooves you to get some clarity.

You write that you pay the bills and for the home’s maintenance. Do you have access to your father’s accounts and power of attorney? If so, with your father’s consent, you can help your father move wherever he wants and your brother can stay or go somewhere else. If you don’t have power of attorney, then it’s time to talk to your father about his finances and how you can help him protect his interests.

Your brother doesn’t have standing to ban you. So, don’t accept that. He may have been unduly favored by your parents and for that I’m sorry, but you have power here. Try to separate the way things worked in the past from the present. Your father still needs to get to appointments; maintenance still needs to be paid for; he still needs care. If your brother stands in the way of that, you may need to involve authorities who can intervene and protect your father.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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