ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I’m 77 and my friend of nine years is 94. She’s become really rude whenever we dine with others and even when she comes to my home. She loves to go to restaurants, but our one friend brings her young foster daughter, and “Roxy” will correct virtually everything she does. Roxy has described this child of 14 as a “piece of excrement” to me and to her foster mom.

Roxy is a retired professor. She gets upset if the conversation isn’t focused on her political positions or her arcane economic interests. She doesn’t let anyone else speak. Over the years, I’ve learned how to deal with her in private, and she respects me because I’m just as well educated and also from NYC.

She’s a good, brilliant woman, but her bad traits are getting worse and worse, her verbal attacks so hurtful, and her behavior just is embarrassing to me.

Because I have earned the reputation of being her trusty friend (she’s clingy), when she’s around, people avoid me as well as her.

Is it useful for me to tell her somehow that I don’t want to socialize with her at restaurants anymore? I was so mad at her one time she was berating the aforementioned girl and her foster mom in a restaurant that I said, “If you keep this up, I’m leaving,” and I did. I know she was devastated in the three weeks afterwards in which I wouldn’t even answer her calls.

What, if anything, can I do to bear her company? What words can I say? Or must I just continue to avoid her as much as I’ve been doing? Do I owe her a candid explanation?

– Avoided Friend

Dear Friend: You don’t owe her an explanation, but by offering one and being honest about your frustrations, you could be providing her crucial help.

I can’t say why she’s behaving this way, but if it’s an issue that’s gotten worse, it could be a sign of a deeper underlying problem, like cognitive decline, or a symptom of some other issue that she can address.

If she hears from a friend how her specific actions are coming across and the impact that they’re having, she might see herself in a different light. It’s not your responsibility to guide her toward better behavior. But you can point her toward specific instances when her behavior crossed a line for you and tell her that this is a hard boundary for you and that if she can’t or won’t refrain, you’ll have to step away.

Dear Eric: I see the same people in my apartment building’s elevator on a pretty regular basis. Guess we have the same schedules. One is a woman who I’ve had friendly small talk with but nothing more. I don’t know if there’s a connection, but I’d like there to be. I don’t know the best way to make it happen though.

– Neighbors

Dear Neighbors: Escalating elevator small talk can be a challenge because you have such a brief amount of time. The next time you see her, you might introduce yourself if you haven’t already exchanged names, or, if you have, ask a follow-up question about something you’ve chatted about before.

It’s important to read social cues carefully here. Err on the side of caution, because you share a living environment and are in an enclosed space, so it’s important that everyone feels safe.

Dear Eric: I have been working with my physical trainer at my gym for about a year. We’ve been getting great results. I feel good and I look better than I have in years.

The problem is I hate him. I hate making small talk with him. I hate his ideas. I hate his personality. I hate everything about him.

I dread going to the gym because I’ll have to see him. But he really gets me results. I don’t want to go back to looking the way I looked, but I’m miserable. Is there a solution?

– Worst Workout

Dear Workout: Surely this isn’t the only trainer who can design a program that works for you.

Think about what aspects of this training relationship have worked – was it the actual program, the advice, or maybe even the friction between your style and his? Make a wish list for training and shop around. Talk to other people at your gym about their experiences with trainers or explore other ways of working out.

You might even find it useful to modify this trainer-trainee relationship. If you don’t like making small talk with him, maybe it’s useful to make this a remote program in which he designs your workouts and sends them to you, and you send back your progress. There are ways of being creative while still getting the results you want.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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