ArcaMax

I guess it started when I tried to figure out if smoking weed is liberal or conservative. I don't smoke weed, but it's legal in Massachusetts, where I live. That means it's got to be liberal because Massachusetts is a "liberal commie" state. We're a liberal commie state because we allow abortion, and we don't let you buy 16 automatic weapons the day after you get out of an insane asylum.

But weed is slowly becoming legal all across the country, so maybe it's politically neutral, like lipstick. Well, lipstick is politically neutral if it's worn by women, if you follow me.

I'm only curious because I've lived three-quarters of my life, and I remember when weed was not just liberal but communist.

Remember 1967? Back then "pot-smoking hippy" was an insult. If you smoked weed then, you were against the draft, against the war in Vietnam, and for living together without a license. All those things were for dirty communists. Real Americans believed every young man should serve his country, believed that the United States would never lose war and believed that, if you wanted her in your bed every night and in your bathroom every morning, you had better marry her, by God.

"Hippy" is still an insult in a lot of places, but "pot smoker" is neither liberal nor conservative, proving that the urge to get high trumps every political belief or deeply held conviction.

Beards used to be liberal, but they're universal now, and long hair is right-wing or left-wing, though the man bun is starkly liberal.

Guns are very conservative, but they weren't when Patty Hearst was robbing banks or when the Black Panthers paraded with rifles.

Public libraries used to be conservative because they were stuffed with the writings of dead white men. They're liberal now because there's a drag queen reading kiddie stories down in the children's department. Dressing like the opposite sex is, of course, liberal, unless you're female. A guy who dresses like a woman is part of the dark forces destroying America. A woman who dresses like a man may be a lesbian, but you can't be sure, and it's not important because it's only men dressed as women who endanger the morals of our children.

Chick-fil-A is conservative. Cigarettes are conservative. Craft beer used to be sissy liberal, but not since craft beer makers got smart and started putting out products with names like "Viking Axe Ale." Religion is liberal if last Sunday's sermon was about recycling, but it's conservative if last Sunday's sermon was Satan infiltrating the schools through critical race theory.

BLM is liberal. NRA is conservative. Dunkin' Donuts coffee is conservative. Starbucks is liberal. That $1-a-cup gas station coffee is conservative, but if the clerk who makes it wants a living wage, he's a communist.

As for food, anything really bad for you is conservative. Bacon is so conservative that the red stripes on the flag should be strips of bacon. Chicken breasts are liberal, unless they're breaded, fried and served at Chick-fil-A. Mexican food is conservative. Indian food is liberal. Unions are liberal, but the Chamber of Commerce is conservative, even though the Chamber of Commerce is just a union for business owners.

Motorcycles are conservative. Men's sports are conservative, but women's sports are liberal. Organized crime was conservative when Italian white people were in charge. It stopped being conservative when people of color took over the drug trade.

Not knowing how to change a tire is liberal. College is liberal. Trade school is conservative. Welfare is liberal. Social Security is conservative. Spaghetti is conservative. Squid ink pasta is liberal. Inheriting money is liberal. Inheriting money is conservative. Money can't tell the difference.

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To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion, and read features by Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Devil's Elbow: Dancing in the Ashes of America." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.