If You Want to Be 'Seen,' Try Seeing Others

Froma Harrop on Mar 3, 2026

I recently came across a curious headline: "The Retirement Crisis No One Warns You About: Mattering." Very few people leaving the workplace have prepared for losing a big part of their identity, according to the Wall Street Journal article. They long to "feel seen" in the next chapter of life.

Much has been written about the desire to "be seen" or "feel valued" or "to matter." And not only for retirees. Much social research centers on the "visibility" problems faced by so-called marginalized people. And YouTube is awash in "style after 50" videos for women who fear no one notices them anymore. Certain skirt lengths and colors are key to looking younger, so they say.

The piece about "mattering" in retirement centers on a couple -- a former medical school dean and his college-employed wife. They retired and moved to their new home in Sarasota, Florida, only to find little demand for their talents. The doctor, for example, tried but failed to get a position teaching biology.

Nearly a third of retirees report depressive symptoms, one study found. Another points to a likely driver: Many retirees feel "less valued, needed or connected."

In a culture that can feel relentlessly impersonal, it's common to feel overlooked. Still, remedies exist. First on the list, if you want to be seen, see others. And not just people you want to impress but the cashiers at the big-box store, the mail person and the guy who delivers pizza.

I would venture that many who feel "unseen" treat these service workers like inanimate objects. They barely look at them, much less smile and say "hello" and then "thank you." If you're not seeing them, why should they look back? Lack of recognition isn't just impolite; it reflects a lack of respect.

It doesn't matter if you never encounter them again. But if you do, so much the better. You have made human contact that can spark again and again.

I once spent time in a hospital where most of the patients were American-born and most of the staff were immigrants. When I first went over my meals with a dietitian from Ecuador, she kept her distance -- perhaps because experience had taught her to expect condescension. I asked where she was from as a matter of curiosity, and we took the conversation from there. We both warmed up, and I was treated to daily smiles in what can be a lonely place. She appreciated being treated with respect. I got as many Fig Newtons as I wanted.

Nowadays, people who do most of their socializing online can lose the habit of seeing the flesh-and-blood person right in front of them. They breeze past those they deem lower in social or occupational rank, people who offer no advantage, failing to recognize the inherent worth of anyone who doesn't matter in the power hierarchy. Yet the simple fact that they show up for us should make them special.

Another factor for the couple profiled and for many other retirees is relocation. They leave behind the social network built over years and land in a new place where they must start from scratch. They'd had friends and family back home -- plus all the small familiar ties that make a place feel like yours: the mechanic who fixed their car, the waitress who served waffles, the dentist they'd seen for decades.

When I lived in Italy, I learned that one didn't walk into a shop without saying "buongiorno" (good morning) and making eye contact with the proprietor or assistant. There was no ignoring that shopkeeper's humanity, and the warmth was returned.

If you want to be "seen," try seeing others.

Follow Froma Harrop on X @FromaHarrop. She can be reached at fharrop@gmail.com. To find out more about Froma Harrop and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators webpage at www.creators.com.

----