ArcaMax

Most times when I'm invited to speak at a conference, someone introduces me by reading the short bio provided. But this past week at the Southeastern Writers' Association Conference, my friend, the Georgia judge and novelist Lori Duff, introduced me. She started off by warning she might embarrass me, then proceeded with the most generous and warm introduction I've ever received. What a gift to hear how your friend sees you.

Not that long ago, I would have struggled to listen. I would have made self-deprecating jokes to not appear arrogant or uppity. Self-worth is something I'm working on, and it's a story all too familiar, especially for women. Confidence, ambition and assertiveness are not always considered admirable traits for women. Somehow we are taught that humility means that we deflect, deny or otherwise downgrade any compliments we receive. When others praise us, we try to correct them or tell them how they are wrong, especially if they're speaking of our intelligence or talent. Beauty, on the other hand, is expected. If a woman is going to command presence, then she had better be attractive while she does so!

I have a bad habit of saying, "I'm glad you think so," in response to compliments, even when my husband says something sweet. It's just another way of acknowledging the compliment without accepting that it might be true. It's OK to simply say "Thank you" and receive it for the gift that it is. It's just not easy.

At a different writers' conference earlier this year, I confided in my friend Leighann Lord, who was the conference's emcee extraordinaire. I have listened to her speak many times and I've seen her perform at comedy clubs when visiting New York. Leighann is no stranger to the stage. During the Q&A portion of one of her keynote speeches, I squirmed in my seat as audience members one by one stood up and gushed over her incredible talk. I grew so uncomfortable, I left the room. I could not handle the outpouring of admiration even though I wasn't even the one receiving it. Not because I didn't think Leighann deserved it -- she absolutely did. But because I vicariously didn't know how to receive it. It was overwhelming.

I told Leighann this story and what she said stuck with me: "In this world full of difficulty and hate, if someone wants to love on me and say good things, I will take it." Why refuse it?

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She's right. This world is harsh in so many ways and vitriol becomes the comfortable norm. We're not even kind to ourselves inside our own heads. We so easily let all of that angst and contempt into our hearts. We should be refusing that and let the love resonate instead. If we allow anything to live rent free in our heads, shouldn't it be warmth and generosity?

When Lori stood on that stage to introduce me, I listened. She didn't list awards and professional accolades that clutter so many of these kinds of introductions. Instead of my credentials, she spoke to what she saw in me as a person. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to receive it, to accept this beautiful gift from my friend. I didn't deflect or disregard her assessment. Lori is a smart woman, one I trust and admire. I know her to be a strong truth-teller, one who stands for justice in her work and in her life, so why would she lie about me? I said thank you and instead of feeling embarrassed or unworthy, I felt seen.

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Do you know anyone who's doing cool things to make the world a better place? I want to know. Send me an email at Bonnie@WriterBonnie.com. Also, stay in the loop by signing up for her weekly newsletter at WriterBonnie.com. To find out more about Bonnie Jean Feldkamp and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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