ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know the etiquette of the host paying for the event, not the guest. Which is great. However, in my wide circle of friends, we do things differently. We often eat potluck, though when one of us does provide the meal, we provide all of it at our own cost. Guest will usually bring wine to share, or maybe a homemade dessert if they want (and if the host agrees).

Dining out, unless it is clearly stated as a treat for a birthday or anniversary, is always dutch treat, no matter who suggested it or who made the reservations. This seems to work for everyone, and it's the universal custom in this crowd of well-off but informal folks.

Enter new friends/neighbors of mine and my husband. They seem to hold very strictly to the idea that if the get-together was suggested by A, A pays for it.

The other night, after having a planned hike washed out due to rain, I suggested we get takeout and enjoy it at one of our houses. We chose their home, so their teenager might also participate on this school night.

We ordered the food, paid for it, and went to pick it up, with no offer from them to pay part of the tab.

I'm interested to see how this pans out in the future, but I don't think they are in any way trying to stiff us. In fact, though we are comfortable, they are clearly in a higher economic bracket. I suspect that the hefty tab is a paltry amount to them.

But it got me thinking: Were we the hosts? And how do you tell who is, in situations like this?

I have to admit, I may be tempted at some point to say, "Look, we always share the cost equally on outings with friends," and ask if that is OK with them, too. It just seems simpler to me, and without any danger of feeling like one is being taken advantage of.

GENTLE READER: You are correct that standard etiquette requires hosts who have invited people to their home for dinner to pay for the meal. But it does not therefore condemn a group of consenting adults -- such as yours used to be -- from agreeing upon some other arrangement. Communal meals, where everyone contributes, are now common. So are separate checks at restaurants.

So long as the form is understood, both systems -- yours and those in which people rotate doing full hosting -- result in the cost being equally shared.

But everyone has to know which one you are using. In this case, your new friends may well have wondered whether they became the sole hosts, as it ended up at their house, but then yielded to you as having brought the meal. Even you seem to have been confused on this occasion.

Yes, please explain to them what your circle normally does. Hoping things will work out on their own is how such systems, not to mention friendships, fail.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN