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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Men often do not have a tuxedo to throw on for a wedding. If they do, it is likely embarrassingly out of date. They often need to rent one for $200 to $400 -- if one is even available in their size, and it still might need alterations.

That is a lot for a guest! I chose to purchase an economical black suit to wear as a wedding guest as an alternative to a tux.

In addition to that expense, there's a wedding gift (from a registry where items range from $250 to $2,500), a shower gift, a hotel room for a destination wedding, and the list goes on. A simple one-hour wedding can easily become an investment of more than $1,000 for a guest.

I understand a bride wants to have her ideal day, but requiring black-tie wedding attire in this economy is probably better reserved for a wedding whose guests are all affluent and already possess a currently fashionable tuxedo in their wardrobe.

GENTLE READER: To borrow vocabulary from a time when those old tuxes in everyone's closets still fit: You have been snookered -- lied to by a bridal industry trying to sell you something by saying good manners demands it.

Good manners require exactly none of the following: wedding gift registries, wedding gifts, bridal showers, bridal shower gifts, destination weddings, accepting a wedding invitation, brides having their ideal wedding days, or -- to your point -- gentlemen wearing black tie at black-tie events. A smart black suit, even one you already owned, is a proper alternative.

As you did accept this invitation, you will have to go, which Miss Manners realizes involves some cost. As will the present you likely still wish to give, even if it is not strictly required. You can likely find something not on the registry that you still know the couple will enjoy.

She hopes you will agree that she has now done her part.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our family is not religious, although we have nothing against religion. We would probably best be described as free thinkers. One manifestation is that we don't say grace before a meal.

When we have friends over for dinner, most of whom are religious, should we offer to let them say grace? We are upfront about our position and so are they, and everyone is extremely tolerant and friendly about it.

I feel guilty about taking something away from them that I know is important, but I don't want to make it a "thing" and emphasize our differences on that issue. I assume they can say grace to themselves. What is the best way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: The general rule is to follow the custom of the home, i.e., the host, which would mean that grace is said when you attend dinners at your friends', while grace is not said in your own home.

Although Miss Manners does not accept every impromptu etiquette innovation merely because it is new, she notes with interest that this old idea is consistent with showing respect by not pretending to be something one is not.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN