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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I accepted an invitation to a party for a friend's husband at their home. It hadn't occurred to me to bring a gift -- most likely I would have simply brought a nice card and a bottle of wine.

A few days before the party, I was surprised to receive this message: "Some of you have asked about gifts -- and truly, your presence at this event is already the greatest gift of all! However, if you still wish to contribute something, we warmly invite you to participate in a group gift: a special watch for (husband). You are welcome to bring cash or a check, or to make a direct bank deposit."

What would you advise? Now, I feel like if I don't contribute at least $100, it will impact this long-standing friendship. If it had occurred to me to bring a gift, I might have brought a book, not something that costs $100 or more.

Do you find it unusual to propose friends buy a special watch in this way? I believe it used to be common for an employer to offer the gift of a watch for a retiring employee who has been especially valued or long-tenured.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners finds it strange that people now feel responsible for the presents they expect to receive. Surely it should be the prospective donors who ought to think up what to give -- if anything, as presents are often customary but never mandatory.

It may even be true that your friends were besieged by demands to know what to buy the guest of honor/host. And they didn't know that they could brush this off by saying, "Oh, that's not necessary" -- not only omitting the present-presence cliche (because we're all sick of it), but not then undermining it with what sounds, at least to you, like a demand.

It is not. Give your old friends the benefit of the doubt by assuming that they made their suggestion through awkward ignorance, not from greed, and that they invited you for fun, not for profit.

But if this is wrong, and if it takes a hundred-dollar bribe to maintain a long-standing friendship, you might ask yourself whether the friendship has been standing too long.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved mother-in-law recently passed away. While I am old-school and wear only black to funerals, I have noticed that "the times, they are a-changing."

While getting ready to go and say our final goodbyes, I asked my husband which string of pearls, which I had inherited from my mother, would be more appropriate. The look he shot me left no doubt that it was a faux pas.

My heart sunk, as I had only thought to honor his mother and mine. Was I truly amiss?

GENTLE READER: No. Pearls are considered the most subdued of jewels, second only to the jet jewelry to which Victorian women were limited during their long periods of formal mourning.

Miss Manners would consider that bereavement sometimes makes people irrational, and try not to hold it against your husband if he is normally reasonable. And resolve not to ask his opinion of your appearance.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN