Shaming Guests Not The Flex You Think It Is
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was recently married -- a second marriage both for her and for her new husband. They had a lovely ceremony and invited close family and good friends -- well, some good friends.
Three of my daughter's friends work with her new husband's ex-wife. The couple received neither cards nor gifts from this trio. She feels they have been manipulated by the ex. What should she do?
1. Should she not send a thank-you note to them?
2. Should she just send a note thanking them for attending and celebrating?
3. Should she send a card thanking them for attending, with a P.S. such as, "I fear your card/gift was lost"? She does not value the friendship of these three ladies and wants to shame them for their lack of class and manners.
GENTLE READER: Before we get to the how, Miss Manners wants to be sure she understands the goal, which is to "shame" three guests at your daughter's wedding for their "lack of class and manners," presumably while having your daughter display her own.
But we have a problem. Three, actually.
First, the trio breached no rules of etiquette or good taste -- at least nothing that you have related. Wedding gifts are not, you will be surprised to hear, mandatory. So we have nothing to charge them with.
Second, you do not send thank-you letters simply because someone attended your wedding; thanking them for attending would therefore not demonstrate your daughter's familiarity with etiquette, but rather, the reverse. This eliminates one of your proposed courses of action.
Third, shaming (or extorting) guests is a serious breach of etiquette. This eliminates another proposed course of action. To answer your question then, if your daughter wants to demonstrate her good manners, she should forget about this trio and enjoy her honeymoon.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, my mother-in-law, an amateur painter, gave my husband and me a large portrait of ourselves. I don't wish to judge the skill of the artist, but will say that it was "not our thing." We thanked her profusely and hung it up for a few years in a remote corner of the house.
We have since moved to a smaller place without the space to display it, so it's been packed away in a closet. Now my husband wishes to get rid of it altogether.
Setting aside the question of whether any secondhand store would even want it, what is the appropriate etiquette? We are likely never to hang up this painting again, but I feel guilty disposing of a heartfelt, homemade gift that's so personal in nature.
GENTLE READER: Paintings can be removed from their frames, rolled and shoved into a tube at the back of a closet. This way if you absolutely have to produce it at a later date, you can claim that it was in storage while you thought about reframing it. Consider yourself lucky your mother-in-law did not take up sculpting.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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