So-Called Friends Keep Canceling Plans
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to deal with being stood up for social plans?
Over the years, people have said things to me such as, "I'm going to break off our lunch plans for today, OK? I'm going to lunch with someone else." Or, "I can't meet you for breakfast on Saturday like we'd planned; I'm going to go and play golf with Dolores." Or, at the last minute, "I can't go to see the play with you this evening. My boyfriend says we're going someplace else."
Sometimes people simply fail to show up for plans made in advance, without a word of apology or explanation, ever. Upon next seeing them, they behave as though nothing had ever happened. If I gently inquire about what happened, they engage in defensive, manipulative behavior, gaslighting and offering non sequiturs.
At such moments, I have always said kind and polite things to these people, but I have difficulty in understanding them. I was brought up with parents who leaned heavily on manners, social skills and all matters of social responsibility.
After being treated like this, my tendency is to view the situation as the ball now being in their court. The only person whose behavior I can control is my own. I say and do nothing further and remain polite, but at arm's length. I no longer reach out to them with friendly gestures and efforts until they can prove that it is a genuine, mutual, courteous friendship.
Perhaps this is a good way to screen for friendships.
What are your thoughts on the subject? Any suggestions concerning what I could or should be doing?
GENTLE READER: Socializing with people who respect you?
They are increasingly hard to find, Miss Manners realizes. The idea has gotten around that it is charming to be spontaneous in one's social life, unbound by the rigid code that required making or declining commitments, and then following through by showing up -- or not showing up, if one has declined.
There is something you can say to those last-minute offenders: "I wish you had bailed out earlier; I would have made plans of my own."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain how to administer a Cut, a Dead Cut, and a Cut Absolute.
GENTLE READER: A Cut is pretending not to see someone who is obviously within sight. A Dead Cut is staring right at the person without any acknowledgment. And a Cut Absolute is whipping around upon seeing the person and walking away.
Miss Manners hopes that she is not fueling feuds by providing these definitions. She attaches to each of them a label that says, "Caution! Highly dangerous socially, with difficult side effects. To be used only in extreme cases."
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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