ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I moved to the U.S., I found quite a bit of difference in the dinner party etiquette compared to my home country. When an American co-worker invited me and other friends for dinner with his family at home, it turned out to be extremely stressful, as I was more concerned about avoiding a cultural faux pas than enjoying the dinner.

In my home country, unless asked by the host, the guests are not expected to bring gifts, dishes, wine, etc. During a sit-down dinner, the hosts would serve everyone else before serving themselves, and it is considered extremely rude to start eating before the guests.

It is also frowned upon for the guests to help themselves to multiple servings without getting a cue from the host. This means it is kind of important for the host to periodically coax the guests to take a second or third serving and to ensure everyone has had a chance to try every dish.

During the dinner I attended, I never got the opportunity to try out all the dishes, as the host never mentioned them or they were kept at the other end of the table. How do I approach such a scenario? When everyone is busy talking and eating, is it appropriate to yell out to the person closest to the dish to pass it over?

Also, during the dinner, we ran out of gravy. Would it have been appropriate to ask the host to refill it? I have been invited over for dinner by another friend, and don't want to offend the host accidentally.

GENTLE READER: The dinner party etiquette you cite is not peculiar to your home country. It is a general standard for being a good host. If there is a cultural element in opposition, Miss Manners' guess would be an American bias against being "too formal."

But as you and she have noticed, the impending result is not casual, just thoughtless.

A good host should always be looking out for the guests' comfort: refilling glasses, making sure everyone is served everything, offering more when plates are empty. But even a proficient host cannot see everything, so guests are allowed such polite prompts as, "Oh, dear, we seem to be out of gravy," "Please pass the creamed spinach" and even, "This steak was delicious ..." in hope of getting more.

The key is to state these things helpfully and not as a rebuke. Although perhaps in your co-worker's case, the latter may have been warranted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When people sit on machines at the gym that others want to use, texting and reading their phones, they may just be taking a break between sets. Usually there are three sets of 10 to 12 reps, and they rest their muscles for a few minutes in between. Sometimes people are willing to alternate with someone else during their rest period.

GENTLE READER: OK ...?

If you are one of those people, and do not mind asking tactfully whether they are pausing or finished, do so. But those who are, perhaps, more timid and just want to do their workouts may not be quite so understanding about having to wait for others to post their stories before they can use public machines. Miss Manners will therefore continue to support them -- while you continue to wait.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN