ArcaMax

While visiting my mom, my son asked, "Why do I have to make my bed at Grandma's house?"

I smoothed the quilt over the mattress and answered without thinking, "Because Grandma likes it neat and she deserves a nice space."

My response surprised me. What did being tidy have to do with worth?

I somehow managed to frame household chores as a matter of being deserving. Self-worth is a lifelong lesson for me. Like many of us, it's something I've worked on through therapy and journaling. I confront my demons, and I like to think I'm slaying them one by one. I thought my relationship with housework reflected my priorities and time management skills. It never occurred to me that it might be about shame.

Then, I started paying attention to my self-talk and emotions when cleaning. The truth was impossible to ignore. I'd let a room get dusty and cluttered only to feel shame while tackling the mess. Shame that I had not kept up with it. Shame that I had somehow let my family down. Shame that my autoimmune disease had left me in pain or without the energy to complete these basic tasks.

My family never said a word. My husband encourages me to rest when needed while he takes care of the most urgent chores. We plan family activities around how I'm feeling. If you see me out and about on a good day, you'd never know. And thankfully I have more good days than bad.

When I have a bad day while staying with my mom, she brings me tea or coffee while I rest. She's never made me feel guilty for laundry piled in the corner of the room. That guilt comes entirely from me.

After my son questioned me, I started making my bed every day at home. I do it before anything else has a chance to zap my energy. It helped me change the conversation with myself. While I make my bed, I say, "I am worthy of a nice space."

People have long argued that making your bed builds discipline and fosters productivity. Admiral William H. McRaven built a commencement speech, and a bestselling book, around the idea. I never bought it.

For me, making my bed is an act of self-care. It doesn't make me more worthy; it's just my daily reminder that I am worthy.

If I can make my bed for my mom, then I can do it for myself. It doesn't make me a better mother, wife or person. It simply reminds me that I don't have to earn care by exhausting myself first. For years, I believed self-care came last. Chronic illness taught me that it has to come first.

Now, I straighten the blankets and smooth the sheets as a quiet reminder that I deserve a nice space, too.

Do you know anyone who's doing cool things to make the world a better place? I want to know. Send me an email at Bonnie@WriterBonnie.com. Also, stay in the loop by signing up for her weekly newsletter at WriterBonnie.com. To find out more about Bonnie Jean Feldkamp and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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