ArcaMax

When it came to how I was gonna die, I split my bet. I put some money on cancer because it's got good odds. I also got money down on civil war because there's a lot of buzz about civil war. That kind of thing will move the betting line. You get in early; you can die and win big.

But, as has been said, all horseplayers die broke. Turns out I should have bet AI. You can tell artificial intelligence was invented in our time because it's too lazy to say its full name.

I know AI is smarter than I am, and that's just part of a natural progression. My microwave is smarter than I am, and so is my television set, and Alexa and my smartphone. Hell, my wife's coffee order is smarter than I am.

My wife's coffee order has seven parts, it's nuanced, and the guy making it has to measure stuff out, and shake it, and then make some foam. My coffee order is "Black, no sugar."

One guy, just one, says that AI will kill us all in maybe 10 years.

This has alarmed everyone except President Donald Trump, who figures we'll get through it if we just elect him president-for-life.

I gotta get a bet down on that, too. Trump is 80. If we make him president-for-life, how long is that gonna last? If the over/under is 85, I'm taking the under. He doesn't look that good. Of course, if you peel his skin off and glue it on a robot, he could be president for another 500 years.

It wasn't easy for American reporters, commentators and politicians to get a handle on the AI death threat, but then someone said, "guardrails." Once they get a word or a phrase to cover a complex situation, American commentators, reporters and politicians are positioned for the long haul to doing nothing.

"I don't think AI is inherently dangerous," your dimwitted state representative can say. "I do think we need to have guardrails."

"Trump Says Guardrails Are Just Communist Over-Regulation," the headline says.

"Guardrail" is an awfully old-fashioned word to use when you talk about newly invented, technologically murderous AI. A guardrail is just a long metal railing they put next to a highway to keep you from driving off the road into a nearby ravine or river. It's about as high-tech as a sledgehammer.

If we're gonna use an old-fashioned term, why not just say "buggy whip"?

"I think AI can bring good jobs for working families, but we're going to need a buggy whip," your state rep. can say.

With any kind of luck, "guardrails" can become the AI version of "the immigration system is broken," a phrase I heard chanted by dozens of candidates thousands of times during my decades as a newspaper reporter. Having said the system was broken, the lucky candidate didn't have to say anything else other than to piously note that "we are a nation of immigrants."

After that, it was permissible to do nothing about immigration.

This well-expressed nonpromise got us Donald Trump, who at least PROMISED to do something about immigration. In addition, he promised everything he promised in short sentences with short words.

Lock her up.

Build that wall.

In fact, the most persuasive evidence of Trump's failing mind are his increasingly long sentences. Once he started spitting out seven or eight words at a time, you knew something was wrong. He can sound strong in three words, but he rambles like your drunken cousin Chuckie once he goes long.

What I've read from AI shows that it, too, reaches for the shorter sentence, a form of speech particularly suited to advertising, politics and porn, the three never-ending fascinations of America.

The problem with the short sentence is you're either Hemingway, or you just don't know a lot of words.

Already, AI doesn't like us. You can tell because it talks down to us.

It writes bad fiction and clumsy newspaper stories, and it rehashes extracts of things it only partially extracted. It knows who we are, all right.

The legal casino won't take bets on AI killing us all, or my own cause of death, but there are ways. I know a guy I can call, and he takes Venmo. I've never seen the guy, but I found him on Facebook and he pays off when I win, which is the only important thing.

I think he may be AI because he speaks in short sentences.

Yeah. I'll give the points.

The over/under is 35.

Pay me my money.

Larceny, death, propaganda and love don't need a lot of words. Never have.

To find out more about Marc Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paper back from Anazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.