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An in-law, age 95 and on her deathbed, was having some final conversations. She brought up a memory of her own mother, who had lost a 2-year-old daughter to a childhood disease. When she misbehaved as a child, the elderly woman recalled, "My mother would say, 'I wish you had died instead of Alice.'" She then tried to reason that her mother, enduring a hard life on an Indiana farm, was probably just expressing grief. Possibly true, but the hurt haunted the surviving daughter until her last breath, nearly a century after the words were spoken.

A trend has grown in recent years of children cutting off one or both allegedly toxic parents from all contact. My in-law had endured an extreme example of verbal abuse. But she grew up in a culture where family members were triple knotted together. Despite it all, a faded photograph of the cruel matriarch always hung in her parlor.

Nowadays, Americans seem to place more value on individual happiness and self-esteem. Older children who cut contact with their parents will cite abuse, ranging from emotional to physical to sexual. Some remain incensed that their parents never apologized for past meanness or that they continue to bully, belittle and invade their privacy.

The trend has ignited a countermovement of estranged parents who affix blame on ex-spouses, therapists and the children themselves. A study at Ohio State University found that nearly 80% of the estranged mothers surveyed believed that an ex-husband or son- or daughter-in-law had turned a child against her.

These complaints sometimes seem fair in the eyes of outside observers. Sometimes they do not. Same goes for the children who are ghosting a parent.

A Connecticut mother named Laura Wellington has built a media empire upon her rage. Her Facebook group is called "Doormat Mom No More." She does TikToks, wrote a book and was featured in People magazine.

As Wellington tells the story, her daughter uninvited her to her wedding in Australia. Wellington then messaged the groom to say that she was taking back an earlier blessing of the marriage. (Adding a martyred touch, she also wished the couple well.) And she's railed against her daughter as an "ungrateful little bastard."

Reading Wellington does not automatically elicit sympathy.

Many such parents accuse their children of being "spoiled," citing the enormous sums spent on their education, sports and cultural enrichment. However, some success-driven parents show little patience for offspring wired differently. They see children as extensions of themselves who must excel in all competitions.

Interestingly, indulged children frequently resent their upbringing. Parents who shielded children from everyday challenges often raise adults unable to solve their own problems. When they do wrong, their parents cover up for them.

True story: A man in his 30s living in his own apartment called his mom, three states away, when he needed an electrician. An electrician magically arrived at his door.

"The safest way to make a child unhappy is to accustom him to get everything he wants," French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau wrote 264 years ago.

Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler expanded on that idea in the 20th century. He said that the "pampered child" is often resentful toward a mother who indulged him. The children tend not to connect their anger at being spoiled, but rather on what they saw as the parent's insistence on invading their space or hovering, which may also be the case.

Skilled therapists can help in reconciling the warring parties. To succeed, everyone's ears must be open and overactive egos parked in the garage.

In the end, this must be said: Parting ways with cruel people, parents included, can be a form of self-preservation.

Follow Froma Harrop on X @FromaHarrop. She can be reached at fharrop@gmail.com. To find out more about Froma Harrop and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators webpage at www.creators.com.

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