ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a birthday card from a newish friend in the neighborhood. The card was unsolicited, though the giver had previously asked whether a party I was throwing had something to do with my birthday, and I admitted that it did happen to fall on that day.

The card had a few scratch-off lottery tickets in it. My family happens to have a horrible history with gambling, even involving several gambling-related deaths and other traumas. I have a horror of anything related to gambling and often change the channel or have to leave the room when gambling ads come on during sporting events.

This is not a particularly good friend, so I do not want to get into my family history, but I do see them around the neighborhood and for shared activities from time to time.

Is there any way to avoid encouraging this friend to ever give me such a gift again? I want to thank them for thinking of me, but am not sure how. I don't want this to become a habit for holidays, etc.

GENTLE READER: All you have to do is say "thank you" and discreetly give the tickets away. If your friend asks if you won, Miss Manners suggests you say vaguely, "I'm not a gambler, but I appreciate the thought" and leave it at that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: May I ask, has it become acceptable to bring additional, uninvited guests to a casual gathering?

We have a pool, and had family in from out of town. Some additional family members (also in from out of town) came for a casual cookout and brought friends of theirs -- informing, not asking, the other family members (not the hosts) only one day in advance.

As the hostess, I was appalled at the very apparent lack of what I would call good manners and etiquette; I would never put a host/hostess in this position.

I hate to say anything, as it is family I am dealing with, and I also don't want to be rude. However, I feel that if rudeness is to be corrected, it should be pointed out to the offender, albeit politely. Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: The only choice when one is not informed beforehand is to act pleasant, but shocked, when they show up -- and to make a small show of laboriously procuring extra plates, towels, food, etc.

Miss Manners never wants to shame the uninvited guests -- who may have been brought there under false pretenses -- but rather to subtly betray that they were unexpected. If supplies are scarce, she would apologetically ask the offenders for indulgence, not their guests.

Of course, subtlety may not be effective here. Which is why afterwards, or for future invitations, you should pointedly tell the offending relatives that your pool cannot accommodate large groups -- or that you wish to keep the party just family. At the very least, they should let you know directly, in advance, if they are inviting strangers into your home.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN