On Managing Everyone's Feelings
DEAR MISS MANNERS: As women, it is not our job to salvage a man's ego when he cannot take "no" for an answer. Honestly, we need to make this point, and loudly: NO MEANS NO. If someone asks you on a date, it is perfectly OK to say, "That's very nice of you, but no, thank you."
It is then up to the other person to accept that answer -- not to keep pushing and keep asking. It is up to that person to manage THEIR OWN feelings.
Women are taught to avoid bruising men's egos; we are expected to manage their feelings, as well as our own. And then we are called "emotional" or "crazy" when we react the same way men often react in certain situations.
GENTLE READER: A bit of advice on style -- not the substance of your point: Any person, male or female, is liable to be called "emotional" when they give their responses out of order or without regard to the other person in a dialogue.
It is understandably frustrating -- if, unfortunately, all too common -- to be forced to repeat essentially identical interactions with different people. But as Miss Manners trusts you know, yelling at someone at the start is not a solution.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We moved to a new home, and our terrace affords an excellent view of our local July 4 fireworks. We invited some friends over for barbecue and fireworks-viewing.
One of our guests stayed inside for most of the day due to the heat, while the other guests were in and out all day. I stayed inside with her, and my husband stayed outside. So in attending to her, I neglected the other guests. How better to handle this?
GENTLE READER: Did the private conversation with your husband go something like this?
"Could you look in on her, too, so I can spend time with the other guests?"
"You don't have to be in there with her 100% of the time. She's a grown woman, it's not that hot out here, and she knew it was an outdoor event when she accepted the invitation."
Miss Manners does not ask this to malign your husband, who may be a perfect host. She is merely borrowing him to make some valid points -- none of which excuse him from splitting the looking-in duty with you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In hot, humid weather, my hands can be quite sticky, and I'm reluctant to offer a wet palm when asked to shake hands.
What's the best way to handle this? Is it rude to try to wipe my hand off first? Should I say "I'm sorry, but I'm so hot" if someone extends their hand?
GENTLE READER: Not shaking a proffered hand is rude, and explaining that you have one of several perfectly proper exceptions to this rule is generally not an interesting topic of conversation. As your situation is repairable, it does not fall into the category of reasons not to shake.
Say nothing, but first wipe your hand as surreptitiously as you can.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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