ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy going out with my women friends for lunch (just two of us). It is wonderful to get away from my house and my husband.

But recently, two of my friends have suggested that their husbands, and mine, join us. I hate this idea because I don't care to be around the husbands, and it would severely limit our conversation (I've been around their husbands before).

What do I say besides, "I don't want to do that"?

GENTLE READER: "Perhaps we could once in a while. But I would love to also keep doing it with just the women. You know, so that we can talk about the husbands."

And then Miss Manners suggests you show enough of a glint in your eye, to indicate that you have some really good gossip to share, in order to entice them. You can decide later whether or not you actually want to share it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married a great guy. They have two delightful young children and very fulfilling and busy lives. I do a lot of babysitting, both to help them out and because it's a true joy.

The only issue is that my son-in-law is a complete slob. When he takes a shower, the towel remains on the floor. His boxers are right there where he stepped out of them. Dirty cups and dishes abound. The last time I babysat, he manscaped, and left his hair in the tub, which I had to clean up in order to bathe my grandchildren later. Things are always out of place, both inside and outside of the house.

My daughter knows all this and admits her own standards of tidiness have fallen. However, she says it's his only flaw (true), and she can deal with it.

I'm not sure I can. I am often horrified at what he has left for his mother-in-law to see. Sometimes leaving the mess alone is not an option (see manscaping).

Is there a way I can address this? Do I speak to my daughter first? I love them so much, truly enjoy my time there and don't want to cause an issue. That being said, it's just gross sometimes.

GENTLE READER: Ew. While you cannot admonish subpar or diminishing standards, which is not your business, you can address your grandchildren's comfort and safety, which is -- at least when you babysit.

Miss Manners recommends you only comment on things that concern them and your ability to care for them (see manscaping).

She recommends you speak to your daughter -- who already seems to be aware of the problem -- and cite it as a safety issue. Mention that you had to clean up the bathtub last time and although you would not mind, you are afraid that in doing so, you will not have eyes on the children and that scares you.

The same goes for the dishes in the sink, the towel in the shower, the boxers on the floor ...

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN