Help! My Brother-In-Law Minded His Own Business, For Once
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I went on a trip to visit my mother-in-law. While we were there, she suggested that my husband's brother and wife also join us for dinner. We rarely see them and my husband thought it was a great idea.
A little background: In the last six months, I was very ill and lost a substantial amount of weight. I am now in good health and because of it, at a healthier weight than before. The loss of weight is definitely noticeable.
My brother-in-law has always been arrogant. I really don't like how he treats my husband. My husband, in turn, is good-natured and lets things roll off his back. He is the one who keeps the relationship alive.
When my brother-in-law and his wife arrived, the typical "I-know-everything" attitude was prevalent. If I had tried to converse with them, it was basically ignored.
On top of that, I thought it was strange, they never once mentioned anything about my huge weight loss. I actually came away feeling hurt and angry.
I spoke to my husband later and said I thought they were rude. I told him that the next time we see his mother, I would appreciate if we didn't see his brother and sister-in-law. In fact, I really don't want much to do with them.
Am I being too harsh? My husband says that it's just the way they are and we have to accept it because they are family.
GENTLE READER: You are complaining that an arrogant know-it-all did not announce his observations about your body?
Are you mad?
And if you happen to gain back a pound or two, will you be insulted if he doesn't declare that he noticed that, too?
All right, you want encouragement. And praise for your effort. But not at the expense of allowing everyone to size you up, so to speak. That's what your trainer, your dietician and, chiefly, that nice husband is for.
Miss Manners took to him immediately; that attitude of not starting a trivial and pointless fight is so rare. Please do not cause him trouble with his family.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please suggest a way of saying something is stylishly sophisticated or upscale other than "classy"? While widely used, it seems to me anything but.
GENTLE READER: "Classy" is, Miss Manners agrees, somewhat vulgar (a word badly in need of being revived).
We do not have hereditary classes here; we have economic classes. And anyone who thinks those in the top brackets are modeling good behavior is not paying attention.
For that matter, the same is true in societies with hereditary class systems. You have only to read the headlines about foreign royalty to squelch the fantastic notion that their behavior is exemplary, or even acceptable.
In her vast experience monitoring civility, Miss Manners has observed that high standards, although perhaps rare everywhere, are just as likely, or perhaps even more likely, to be found among the lower as among the upper brackets.
Are the terms "tasteful" and "civilized" too tepid for what you want to convey?
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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