ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On the 4th of July every year, my dear friends have a three- to four-day get-together, where families come and camp out on their property. We cook out, we all play sports and board games, we sit around the campfire and, for the grand finale, we have a huge fireworks show.

I noticed the year prior that not everyone pitched in for their share of the costs for food. The owners and myself picked up the difference, but our two families combined equal five people (four being adults), while the families that didn't contribute have four to six kids each, and they ate up a storm.

What type of disclaimer can my friend put in the invitations this year to let everyone know that failing to contribute is no longer acceptable? She is a gentle soul and is very worried about offending people, but I feel she needs to make a statement. Otherwise it will only bother her, her husband and my family even more.

What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: If even the hostess is unclear about what type of party she is giving, how are the guests supposed to know? Here are the choices:

1. The hosts give the party and pay for everything. Payback is that the guests entertain them in turn. ("Ha!" Miss Manners hears you saying. And it is sadly true that people are remarkably lax in reciprocating.)

2. The party is clearly cooperative, and prospective participants are asked to help plan who will bring what food and drink, as well as such matters as whether they want to hire someone to supervise and amuse the children so that the adults can be free to drink, flirt, gossip, or engage in whatever sport they happen to enjoy.

3. It is an event to which admission is charged. Fair business practice requires that advance notice be given of how much money each family is expected to contribute. Or admission is required for each individual, to cover the fact that some have more children than others.

As you and your friend have discovered, mixing these types of gatherings does not work. If she seems to be giving the first type of party, it would be insulting for the guests to offer to pay her. Understandably, she might be reluctant to announce a charge this year, or any year. Had she declared from the beginning that she was running a summer camp and would try to charge just enough to cover expenses, it would have been slightly less crude.

So she should choose the second type. As this will be a change for the regulars, she should say, frankly, something like: "We are eager to see you all and to keep up this tradition, but this year, I'm going to ask all of you to join me as hosts. Let's decide about the meals -- who can bring what -- and other arrangements you might feel would add to the occasion."

If they are true friends, they will reflect on the years that this lady has done all the work, and will be glad to help. If not, this will save her the awkwardness of trimming her guest list.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN