Long-Distance Friend's Spouse Always Chimes In
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend and I live several hours away from each other, so to keep in touch, we speak often on the telephone. He works part-time, so he usually calls me on his off days when his wife is home. This is the problem.
If she happens to be nearby when we are speaking, she will frequently interrupt to either ask him what we are talking about, or start or continue an unrelated, separate conversation. More often than not, she will also put her two cents in.
Whenever this happens, I am either dragged into a now-three-part conversation, or made to wait while he and she carry on as if I'm not there. Other than this issue, I have no quarrel with his wife, who is otherwise a kind and considerate person.
How do I broach this subject without offending either one of them? If there's no other option, I would continue to overlook this issue and not say anything, rather than risk the 20-year friendship. Does Miss Manners have a tactful way I can approach this?
GENTLE READER: The way to stop thoughtless behavior is to draw attention to it -- without, Miss Manners hastens to add, appearing to be complaining.
Next time there is an offstage conversation, tell your friend how much you want to catch up with him, but if this is an inconvenient time, you are happy to schedule a better one.
He will deny there is any problem and you will answer that you must have been mistaken: It sounded like there was something he had to deal with.
The time after that, when the wife chimes in with her opinion, say how much fun it would be if she could join the call; you would love to hear about her activities, as well. The likelihood that she will join seems small, and of course you need not press the suggestion.
You can then alternate these two approaches as needed in future calls. If you do this right, your friend will grow annoyed not with you, but with his wife -- so that perhaps he will think to shut the door when you call.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I thank someone for a gift that I cannot use? For example: wine when I no longer drink; coffee when my husband roasts his own beans; candy when one is diabetic? I find if I write a very kind thank-you, I get the same gift again because they think I really liked it.
GENTLE READER: Or to put it another way: In gift-giving, it may be the thought that counts -- but what if the thought was not good?
Miss Manners starts from the premise that gift-giving is a choice -- not a requirement -- and that gratitude is therefore always the correct response, absent direct evidence of malicious intent.
She presumes that you are not showered with gifts on such a regular basis that no time elapses between the very kind thank-you and the next gift-giving opportunity.
You should therefore write your letter and still have time to set the record straight with a casual comment before the next gift-giving opportunity. Only after this has been repeated and the gift giver has failed to learn may you mute your gratitude.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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