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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I acknowledge that a person should not be hosting their own birthday parties. However, if I had to wait until I could afford to take everyone out to dinner to invite them out for a good time, we'd never go.

Dining out has become outrageously expensive. I rarely go with even just my family. Expecting one person to pay for everything just because they want to spend time out with friends is out of touch with the financial reality of most Americans -- and, I'm sure, the cause of much unnecessary credit card debt.

I suppose I should just stay home and live an antisocial life for fear of offending someone's outdated sensibilities. Some of us have to find another way.

GENTLE READER: But there are plenty of other ways -- tea, brunch, picnics, home-cooked meals ...

And what about your friends' budgets? If they are obliged to pay their way at expensive restaurants every time one of them has a birthday, it strikes Miss Manners that this would quickly add up to the cost of entertaining the same number of people once a year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree with the principle that thank-you letters should be sent when presents are received. However, I am curious about how it applies to gifts received at the wedding celebration itself.

Would you truly expect a couple to devote a portion of their honeymoon to writing notes for gifts they received the day before their departure? Would it not be acceptable -- and still gracious -- for them to write those particular notes immediately upon returning home?

GENTLE READER: Granted, Miss Manners is given to scolding couples who mistakenly believe that they have a year to thank people for wedding presents. But in the cases you mention, the heat is off them while she scolds the gift givers.

Wedding presents may be sent before a wedding, or up to a year after, but they should never be brought to the wedding itself.

Of course you are right that people in the act of being married cannot break off the ceremony or postpone the wedding trip in order to write letters.

But subsequent excuses -- that they are busy settling in, catching up from being away, and posting 10 million pictures of their wedding online -- are not acceptable. If they do not get busy doing so immediately upon their return, the heat will be back on them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law showed up to an event in a T-shirt that said "Suits suck." This is a grown man. His wife wears a suit when required, as do other members of our family.

It was really not a big deal, as it was just a casual get-together, but the shirt seemed tasteless and maybe even slightly confrontational.

Should I be put off by this? Should I have said something? Where does it fit in the whole manners world?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, Miss Manners must inform you that the manners world does not countenance criticizing the appearance of one's guests, even if it is one's silly son-in-law. However, there is no rule prohibiting snickering in private.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN