The Bride Was Stunning...Ly Entitled
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Years ago, a close friend of mine was getting married. As I am known as a good baker among my friends, she asked if I would bake her a carrot cake for her wedding. I demurred, explaining that I was not qualified to bake a wedding cake. She insisted, saying it would be a small wedding with perhaps 20 guests.
Instead, the number of guests swelled to over 100. The ingredients became rather expensive, not to mention that baking, assembling, decorating and transporting a carrot wedding cake was no small feat.
In addition, another friend and I were asked to host the bridal shower, which we did at my home, sharing the expense. The bride requested a formal, classic menu, including salmon mousse. The preparation and expense of hosting this party were more than I had planned for, but I was happy to do it.
Lastly, the bride asked me to style her hair on her wedding day, which I also happily agreed to. Her hair looked lovely, and the wedding cake received many compliments.
On her wedding day, the bride presented me with a lovely and thoughtful gift in the $50-$75 range as a thank-you for my role in her wedding. I was surprised but pleased by her thoughtfulness and felt a bit like a cad, because, in light of my extensive role and considerable expenses, I had brought a beautiful card but no wedding gift.
I had considered the wedding cake, the shower and styling her hair to be my gifts to her. I had spent hundreds of dollars, and I thought that she would value what I had done to make her wedding a success. (It's worth mentioning that the bride was in her 30s and the groom in his 50s, so they really did not need any material gifts anyway.)
After the honeymoon, my friend called and, through a thinly veiled story about an unidentified gift, confirmed with me that I had not brought anything. Her voice sounded cold and disappointed. I was stunned, but it seemed ungracious for me to itemize my considerable investments, so I simply clarified that no, I had not brought a wedding gift.
After this, our friendship cooled, and we spent time together only once or twice again.
Miss Manners, this has bothered me ever since. Should I have brought the bride and groom a token gift for the sake of showing my support? Should I have explained to her that the cake and party were to be considered gifts?
It is too late now to mend the damaged friendship, but it would be helpful to know what I could have done differently.
GENTLE READER: There was nothing you could have done, except perhaps resolve to choose better friends.
The thoughtlessness with which this bride coerced you into subsidizing her wedding was stunning. That she expected a present on top of it -- and allowed her resentment to ruin the friendship -- even more so.
On the positive side, especially if this woman plans to have children, Miss Manners observes that losing the friendship will no doubt save you considerable time and money in the future.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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