ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live on a private lane of just five houses, each with large surrounding fields. After mowing my (perfectly dry) field, I went over to my neighbors' to perform a courtesy mow of theirs, as they both work full-time.

On the second turn, my full-size tractor sank deep into the mud, and any attempt at freeing it merely dug it in deeper.

I called a tow truck, and just as the cable was being hooked up, the self-appointed "mayor" of our private lane appeared, full of smiles, apparently just to gloat at my predicament. He offered the advice of staying away from wet patches -- duh! -- and then told the tow truck driver that he was blocking traffic, such as there is on our street.

I assured him that we would be out of the way as expeditiously as possible. Later that day, I sent him an email to thank him for "coming down to help."

I wonder if Miss Manners might have a more effective and less passive-aggressive way to let him know that his commentary was not appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Irritating and self-aggrandizing as such behavior is, it is worth remembering that perpetrators usually think that they are being helpful.

And it is, ultimately, harmless. Annoying, but harmless. So Miss Manners recommends going about one's business. Simply by not paying much attention, you will fail to reward their attention-seeking behavior.

And that, passive-aggressive or not, is a properly mild punishment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am sometimes treated to acquaintances' railing that they will leave the state/country if one candidate or another wins.

"I'll help you pack" is an inappropriate response. Is there anything I can say, over an otherwise friendly meal, that won't be taken as agreement nor as provocation?

GENTLE READER: "Does that mean those peas are up for grabs?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the director of marketing and development for a nonprofit organization. My job is to raise money by recruiting both corporate sponsors and individual members.

A woman has become gung-ho about my organization and has started going out of her way to try to drum up support for us. (I should add that this woman does not fit the profile of our group. Specifically, we are a motorcycle safety and awareness organization; she is not a motorcycle enthusiast.)

While I have no doubt her intentions are good, I neither need nor want her assistance. I would like to convey this to her. How do I do so gently?

GENTLE READER: It was Miss Manners' understanding that keeping supporters attached to a particular not-for-profit organization required constant activity -- and, conversely, that benign neglect would therefore dampen this person's enthusiasm.

But if that is not the case, then she recommends the full donor-cultivation press so that you can find out what actually does interest this person -- after which you can identify the professional colleagues at a more suitable institution and send them off in pursuit of her.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN