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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should one respond when an acquaintance asks, "Have I done something to offend you?"

I have a neighbor with whom I've tried to be friendly. Over the course of a few months, she's made unpleasant remarks, overstepped invitations to my home and insistently passed on information that I knew to be false.

For example, I had her and a few other women over for tea, and as I was welcoming them into the house, she asked if she could show them the upstairs. I said that I'd prefer she not, but she barreled past me up the stairs, saying she was sure it was fine.

I have rebuffed her latest attempts to get together with vague excuses such as, "Maybe some other time" and "I'm actually quite busy right now." So now she wants to know if she's offended me in some way.

I have no desire to pursue this friendship or "talk things out." I certainly don't wish to return her rudeness with more rudeness on my part.

What's a reasonable, yet firm, response? "Yes, actually, you have offended me"?

GENTLE READER: That is a firm response, and possibly a reasonable one, given the circumstances. But Miss Manners will tell you what you already know: It is not the response you want, because then you are going to have to explain how this woman offended you. This will end with you giving tours of your bedroom suite to her visiting college roommates and their spouses and children.

What you want is a way to make her leave you alone, which can be accomplished with your best look of deep concern and the return question of, "What ever would make you say that?" Then appear not to be paying too much attention when she answers, in the hope that she will review her own actions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who lives several states away, and we usually communicate through text. I texted him asking for a big favor.

The next day, on social media, he posted about two very recent deaths in his life. I texted my condolences and offered my availability if he needed someone to talk to or anything else I could do to help. Obviously he is grieving and I am totally sensitive to that.

Should I forget about the whole favor I asked him? Or what is an appropriate amount of time to allow someone to grieve before raising the subject again? The favor is not time-sensitive and can wait however long is needed.

GENTLE READER: Before we get to your question, one thing you can do for your friend right now is to release him from the obligation of having to respond to the current request. "Please do not worry about responding to my request of yesterday" does that without foreclosing future requests.

It also frees you to move to a Plan B, if this is the kind of favor that can be done by someone else. If you do wish to repeat the request in the future, Miss Manners recommends that you wait until you have had several exchanges of a tone that pre-date his recent losses -- in other words, after things have returned to a semblance of normality.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN