On Applauding At Solemn Events
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear mother told me that one should never clap for the speakers at Memorial Day observances, and that one should depart in silence to mark the solemnity of the occasion. At a Memorial Day event, I noticed that everyone clapped for the speakers and chatted casually at the end of the event.
Was my dear mother mistaken?
GENTLE READER: No. Well, she is mistaken only in thinking that other people know the difference between respect and approval.
It has to do with the show-business mentality that has prevailed for some time. Everyone is either a performer -- preferably a star -- or an audience member. And audiences clap to show their appreciation for the effort made to entertain, educate or enlighten us.
But as your mother remembers, not everything is done "for" us. Sometimes we are present at solemn or ceremonial occasions, which are not subject to our approval.
Clapping was not done at funerals and memorial services, nor even at weddings, where the ceremony was supposed to be serious (although this did not apply to the reception). Music performed in houses of worship was thought to be intended for the glory of God, not for the pleasure of the congregation -- now often actually referred to as the audience.
Miss Manners is not surprised that the previous attitudes have all but disappeared. People are used to stamping "like" on pretty much everything, and clapping is the in-person version.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should be done when someone who works for you, such as a house cleaner, gives your child an exceedingly generous cash graduation gift?
It was not solicited in any way, not even implicitly by sending an announcement. I thanked her before the card was even opened, telling her she shouldn't have; after it was opened, I sent a text thanking her and telling her it was too generous.
My child is, of course, sending a handwritten thank-you as well. But it feels really inappropriate for us to accept such a generous gift.
GENTLE READER: Returning presents to their donors is an insult, however kind your motives are. But Miss Manners would think that such a valuable and devoted employee deserves a bonus.
To make it clear that the two transactions are unrelated, you should wait a short time, make the amount different (preferably larger) and accompany it with a statement of appreciation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have inherited about two dozen tiny cotton napkins, about 12 inches square. They have lovely embroidery in one corner and scalloped hems, making them meditative to iron. I have occasionally used them under a lamp on a side table as they are so pretty.
Since they are so small, I can't imagine how they are used at the table. I have plenty of linen dinner napkins.
GENTLE READER: And now you have luncheon napkins -- or, if you don't give dainty luncheons, large cocktail napkins. The advantage of the latter is that you do not have to keep ironing them because, Miss Manners notices, everyone gives them back unused.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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