Should Guests Help Clean Up?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I hosted a brunch gathering of about 10 people at our home. We offered a wide spread of food and drinks, and we used paper plates and napkins to make cleaning up a little easier -- and also because I'm in my third trimester and frankly, the idea of cleaning that many dishes had me feeling exhausted.
It was a wonderful time and a great opportunity to spend time with friends before the baby arrives. But throughout the party, there was something that bothered me. People ate and moved freely throughout the house, and as they went, they left behind dirty glasses, paper plates, wadded-up napkins and empty (or half-empty) cans of seltzer.
Whenever I'm a guest in someone else's space, I do my best to clean up after myself. I throw away trash, recycle what I can and take any dishware in need of washing to the sink.
By the end of the party, I was frustrated and also questioning myself. What are the expectations for cleaning up after oneself as a guest? Were my guests right, or am I right to be frustrated by what I perceive as their lack of consideration?
GENTLE READER: Technically, your guests are correct, because they have no business barging uninvited into private family spaces such as a kitchen. That would, of course, be modified by your situation, though, since no well-mannered guest would watch a pregnant woman struggling under a load of plates without intervening.
The thinking is that everyone takes a turn being host, and the cleaning you do now will be balanced by your carefree time as a guest in the future. But Miss Manners realizes that dates to a time when people reciprocated hospitality -- and did not do half of their entertaining in the kitchen.
She has no objection to you and your friends having a different understanding, so long as two fundamental points are preserved -- points about which she believes you to be in agreement. First, that the guests are considerate and grateful -- even if that does not mean taking out the trash. And second, that the hostess's primary concern is that her guests enjoy themselves -- not who is right or wrong.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a serious student of the Spanish language. I spend an hour or more a day in my studies with a very well-designed course.
When this comes up in conversation with casual acquaintances who are Spanish speakers, they will often offer to teach me Spanish, seeming to forget that we are casual acquaintances. And I'm attempting to learn college-level Spanish, and I know that the Spanish they speak is not college-level or from the region I prefer.
I know their offer is a not well-considered, but is well-intentioned, so I'm at a loss as to how to decline. I can't say that the Spanish I'm learning is better than theirs. What do you suggest?
GENTLE READER: Bueno. Let's keep in mind the part about their intentions being good, and try not to insult them. All you have to say is, "That's so kind of you, but I have everything I need for my studies."
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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