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Dear Eric: I’m going to college out of state in the fall. My boyfriend was supposed to go to the same school as me but now it looks like he’s going to have to defer because of money. We’ve been together all through high school. Now he’s telling me he wants me to defer, too, so we can be together.

He’s being nice about it, but he says it really bothers him that we’d be so far apart. The school is a six-hour drive away and driving seems like the best way to see each other since I can’t afford to fly back and forth. It’s really making him depressed, and I don’t like seeing him that way.

I care about him so much, but I have really been looking forward to starting college and trying something new. I worked really hard in high school. Not that he didn’t. It’s just not fair.

He says he’s going to get a job here and he said maybe we could get an apartment together. That sounds fun but it’s not what I want. Can you tell me what to do?

– To Stay or Go

Dear Stay or Go: I’m going to refrain from telling you what to do because in your letter you’ve already told me what you want to do. You wrote that you don’t want to stay in your hometown right now; you wrote that you want to go to school in the fall. That suggests that, should you change your mind and stay, you risk resenting your boyfriend for the choice, which would make your relationship worse, not better.

This is a tough moment in his life, and he may have to do some work internally to accept what’s happening. He may feel envious of you and the experience you’ll be having while at college. It may cause friction in your relationship for a time.

But you can’t avoid friction by just doing what he wants because the problems that created this situation won’t go away without him doing the work he needs to do. Your presence may make him feel better, but it won’t undo the financial situation he finds himself in or his feelings about it. Moreover, it’s not your job to solve the problem.

Right now, the job in front of both of you is moving into adulthood in ways that challenge you and help you to grow. That growth is going to help you be more well-rounded people and better partners for each other. Many couples have done the long-distance thing. As you probably know better than me, there are so many ways that technology can connect us when we’re apart.

He’s going to change; you’re going to change. Share those changes with each other and next year, when he joins you at school, you’ll both be in much better positions.

Dear Eric: I have an acquaintance (B) who asks very inappropriate questions, and I would like to tell her, but I don’t want to make her feel bad. She does have a bit of a reputation for not understanding limits.

A neighbor to both of us was dying a couple of years ago and was under hospice care. Every time I encountered B, she asked if he had died.

Now my husband is in hospice although he may be discharged soon as he is doing well. When I reluctantly told B that he was in hospice she said, “is he dying?”

In shock I responded that we are all dying. She brushed me off and repeated her question. I repeated my response.

I had another friend who used to ask how much longer the ill person had to live. Someone did point out to her that it was not an appropriate question. I just don’t know how to tell my acquaintance to stop.

– Inappropriate Questions

Dear Questions: It’s possible that your acquaintance thinks of the questions she’s asking in a different way. She may think she’s just asking for information or trying to understand someone’s medical situation, or she may misunderstand hospice to only be for people who are going to die soon. She may have trouble picking up on social cues. So, telling her how her questions are landing with you could be helpful.

Use “I” statements to express yourself. “When you asked if my husband is dying, I felt frustrated/hurt/angry because our focus is on his continued life. I don’t respond well to that question. If you’re curious how he’s doing in the future, would you please ask, ‘how is he?’ instead?”

By keeping the conversation about specifics and by letting your acquaintance know how you’d like future conversations to go, you empower her to adjust her behavior without getting drawn into a back-and-forth about her questioning quirks more generally.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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