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Dear Eric: We are an empty-nester couple in our 50s. We entertain often, and in one group is a couple who have an adult child, W, who lives with them. This couple frequently asks if W is invited too. We always say yes. The problem is that W tends to put a significant damper on gatherings. They never engage in conversation, literally zero other than to answer direct questions.

It might not be so obvious they weren't engaging if it weren't for the fact they always seem to choose a seat in the middle of things – middle of the table or the room or the couch, whatever – which makes it awkward, sometimes painfully so, to hold a conversation around them.

When I'm cooking in my too-small-for-more-than-one kitchen, W will absolutely reliably take the stool at the kitchen pass-through and turn their back to me to listen to those standing around outside the kitchen, which makes it difficult for others to easily engage with me.

I don't think W intends any rudeness. I think they're just taking whatever looks to them like the most appealing seat without thinking much about it.

I don't know what to do. I want to be kind, but this has been going on for years and I find it draining and anticipate the request to include W with something increasingly approaching dread every time we entertain this group. I think it's possible W is neurodivergent, although no one has ever told me that, which of course would call for even more kindness. Is there any kind way to solve this? What possible way can you ask someone to sit somewhere less central without being unkind?

– Not Enjoying the Party

Dear Party: Try bringing this up with W’s parents and ask if they can think of a way that W might be better integrated into gatherings. They’re likely used to W’s social habits and are, hopefully, adept at helping their child to move through the world.

You can also try putting out name cards at place settings the next time you entertain. This would allow you to mix and match people in whatever way you want. Not only could this enhance W’s experience at the dinners, but it could give the rest of the guests a chance to engage with folks they otherwise might not.

Dear Eric: Forty-five years ago, I married a widow with two sons. They are now grown with children of their own. My wife and I have been supportive of them and their families. When one son was depressed over early hair loss, we got him counseling and a hair transplant. When he got colon cancer, I called often, giving him emotional support.

I have been encouraging and offered guidance to his sons while they attended college. Upon their graduations, I sent them congratulatory cards with a substantial monetary gift. I have provided my other son with thousands of dollars without expecting repayment when the IRS came calling because he hadn’t filed taxes for eight years.

When his wife suffered an early death from brain cancer, over the months she was hospitalized, I called him frequently providing emotional support and took him out for lunch or dinner.

After my wife, their mother, suffered a stroke, she was confined to bed for nine years while I was her caretaker. The sons and grandchildren visited only on "obligatory" holidays like Mother's Day or Christmas. They rarely offered me emotional support.

Since my wife passed, I’ve heard crickets from them. None of them calling, coming by again or inviting me to dinner to get out of my now lonely empty house. I am considering moving across the country, not even telling them and as they are not my blood, ceasing any relationship with them.

What do you think?

– No Calls

Dear No Calls: Your family has gone through so much; I’m very sorry. Your expectations of your stepsons aren’t unreasonable at all. When loved ones are ailing or in need, you show up, you call, you support.

It’s not clear from your letter whether you’ve ever had a conversation with them about your expectations or asked them to be more present. But even if you haven’t, there’s obviously a disconnect on your stepsons’ parts that’s not your responsibility to fix.

It may make the most sense to release this expectation and get support elsewhere. If you do so, however, consider closing this chapter with acceptance. This will help you move forward with less resentment. Acknowledge that this is who your stepsons are, the relationships you have with them are not the relationships you want, you wish it was different, but you accept that it’s not. You might even choose to tell them this in a letter. But mostly this is a practice for yourself and your peace.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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