Asking Eric: After tragedy, daughter says mother’s love is only skin-deep
Dear Eric: My husband died by his own hand more than 20 years ago. We had three kids younger than 15. I was devastated but I had to keep going to maintain some normalcy for them. I went back to school, got a job, sent kids to college, et cetera.
Then came a bombshell a few years ago. My youngest said I have never been there for her, that I only communicate with her with small talk and that emails are just a place for me to tell her what I’ve been doing. (Isn’t that what emails are for?)
She said I didn’t tell her I loved her, didn’t help enough with her wedding, used her kids for Facebook posts, that I favored one child over her and that I don’t visit her and her family enough. (I live more than 1,200 miles away). She says she’s so happy that her mother-in-law is there for her since I’m not.
She says our relationship is only skin-deep and that's not what she wants. She's happy with her little bubble of friends.
No matter what I say or do, it’s wrong and she tears into me again. I think a lot of this is coming from her “therapist.” I’m at wit’s end of what to do. I think maybe we should just be estranged. It would save us both some grief and angst every time an email arrives. I wouldn’t even feel welcome right now if I should go to visit. Any advice?
– Unwelcome Mother
Dear Mother: I’m sorry for the terrible loss you experienced and I’m sorry you’re navigating this traumatic period with your daughter. It’s possible that some of this is a result of unresolved grief with which she’s struggling, but it’s hard to tell since she won’t engage with you and only lobs criticism.
It’s clear this relationship needs a reset. To your point, it may be helpful for you to give yourself some space for a time, as what you’ve heard from her has been hurtful.
She told you that the relationship you have is not what she wants. Although she’s listed ways that she feels you’ve wronged her in the past, I’m curious if she is able to identify things that you both could do differently moving forward. You might say something like, “I’m sorry for my part in what went wrong in the past. I’d like to work through it, eventually, but it will be easier to do that if we set a different course for the future. What are one or two actionable changes that we can commit to?”
The past can be overwhelming and it’s clear that you have different perspectives on it. The advice isn’t to ignore the past, but the past can’t be solved in a day. Tomorrow can only be different, however, if you and she can agree to work toward it together.
Dear Eric: I would like to add something to your response to "Property Brothers", the parents who must move closer to medical providers. Both of their sons want them to build a home on their property. Your answer addressing the emotional aspect is fine.
I'm a financial adviser. The following must be addressed to avoid a potential falling out between their sons and to protect their own estate.
They must have a written, legal document that states if the son on whose property they build their dwelling divorces, dies or sells his property, there is language that addresses how the parents are compensated.
When they die and if they have substantial assets, the other son will be compensated for assets that are equivalent to the amount of the home. If there are no assets other than the home, how will the son with the dwelling on his property compensate his brother?
– Property Protection
Dear Property: Thank you for this addendum. That’s a very helpful insight that will, hopefully, save the family from future strife.
Dear Eric: Boy, can I relate to Time After Time”, whose spouse was always late. I'm the late one in my marriage.
Yes, it drives my husband nuts, and he does see it as an insult. After years of this conflict, I figured out a solution that has worked for us: instead of focusing on what time the event starts, I ask, "What time do you want to leave?"
That way my husband sets the time, and I make sure I am ready to go in time to leave when he wants to. It has worked very well for us.
– Time Challenged
Dear Time: Thanks for writing in. I like this reframing because it prioritizes communication and, in asking the question, you indicate to your husband that though you may be late, you’re trying to be considerate of his time as well.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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