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Dear Eric: Our youngest child has worked only part time for the past two years, despite being a single mother to two children. At the same time her job situation deteriorated, my husband and I moved away from the city where we all had lived. Our daughter felt abandoned when we left, especially since my husband and I were babysitters, money givers, homework doers, food suppliers, etc.

Our daughter was invited to move with us but could not because of the father. Courts would not allow it.

We have been helping our daughter with many expenses: car insurance for two cars, cellphone for her and her kids, internet, Netflix, cable, laundry, incidentals, and food. Plus, we have helped with the rent on and off and helped with summer classes for the kids, legal fees, special ed teachers, et cetera. Her ex contributes what the courts told him to and not a penny more.

These expenses have been very hard on my husband and me financially. We dipped into our savings three times and once took money out of our house. Now, once again, we are in credit card debt up to our necks (more than $30,000), and none of the expenses are ours.

When I tried to explain this problem to our daughter, she flipped out, as she occasionally does. Most of the time she is nice to us. Sometimes, she yells the house down at us and calls us names.

I discussed this problem with my sister, and she said I was being manipulated, that our daughter needed therapy, and that we should cut her off and set boundaries. But how can we cut off our adored grandchildren from food and clean clothes and shoes and school supplies?

We are drowning. She has two of my credit cards and all the charges are hers. The rest of her expenses come directly out of my checking account. Can you help?

– Afraid of My Own Daughter's Temper

Dear Afraid: Listen to your sister. It won’t serve you, your daughter, or your grandchildren for you to sink into financial ruin. Write a budget for yourself and be very upfront with your daughter about what the limits of that budget are. Set up external boundaries – if you choose to keep paying her credit cards, lower the limits so that the credit card companies won’t approve charges that exceed them, for instance.

She may argue that you have the money and should give it but, without putting too fine a point on it, it seems clear that you don’t have the money. You are borrowing against your house and in a lot of debt. This isn’t simply a matter of you choosing to let your grandchildren go without; the money isn’t there. Her anger is misdirected; indeed, it does seem manipulative. Regardless, it’s not solving any problems. If she can’t engage with you civilly, you have to set a boundary there, too.

If reducing your support means that your grandchildren would go without clean clothes, there’s a larger issue in the system here that you can’t solve on your own. But there are many steps before that. Netflix is not a requirement, for instance. The second car may not be necessary. A financial adviser or a free budgeting program can help you identify some places to cut.

Dear Eric: I'm 40 years old; I have three teenage daughters and have been married to my new husband for almost a year. I was recently prescribed a pair of glasses just for reading. My husband thinks that I look fantastic in them and has asked a few times if I would consider wearing them all the time.

I did order blended bifocals so I could keep them on at the office so I really could comfortably just leave them on. Personally, I feel I'm more attractive without them and that they make me look older.

I can't decide what to do. Should I continue wearing them only when I really need to? Or should I give them a try for a couple of weeks as my husband has suggested?

– Glasses Half Full

Dear Glasses: It’s lovely that your husband is being supportive and is free with his compliments and requests, but what’s most important with regard to your appearance is that you feel comfortable. So, if you only want to wear the glasses when you need them, don’t give it a second thought. He can learn to see it as a special treat. It’s great that he thinks you look fantastic – and I’m sure you do – but if you start wearing them for him and you don’t feel great about it, too, it might sour the experience. Better to let the glasses do what they’re intended to do: help you read. Anything else is just an added benefit.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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