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Dear Eric: I have a first cousin that is a very good cook and likes to invite people over for dinner. She has a good job in the medical field. She is not overtly depressed. The problem is the housekeeping and upkeep of the kitchen.

Filthy doesn’t describe the full essence of the situation. There is hoarding, litter boxes that haven’t been cleaned for days (weeks?), an overflow of trash spilling into the walkway of the kitchen, food in opened and un-opened containers across all counters, et cetera.

The bathroom is also often filthy. You need to experience it to completely understand.

She is relentless in the invites. Pleasant responses of “let’s eat out” or “how about you coming here” are met with deaf ears. The requests continue.

We have run out of polite and pleasant responses. What is the best way to let her know that we cannot eat or visit in her home but enjoy her company outside of her home?

– Lost My Appetite

Dear Appetite: It may not be the most pleasant conversation, but it will help her if you’re direct about the issues you’re having. It sounds like there’s reason for concern about the state of her home. Your description is not of a place that’s healthy for her or others.

So, your best recourse is to tell her that she’s a very good cook and you enjoy her company, but that you have concerns about her home and you’re wondering if she shares those. Try to use specific examples instead of painting with a broad brush. Ask her if she’s noticed the same thing and if this is an area in which she could use support.

It may be that no one has ever pointed this out to her directly. She could very well know about her hoarder tendencies and other cleanliness issues but not know how to address them. So, the conversation with you also serves as an offer: there is help available. If accepted, it will make her life easier and make it easier for people to accept her invitations.

Dear Eric: My mom is 90. I am the youngest of two. My mom has always preferred my sibling to me. I basically raised myself and had to accept I did not matter.

My mom and sibling now have health issues, and I am left to deal with my mom, who still does not like me. She says mean and hurtful things but still expects me to deal with things for her. Short of walking away, how do I deal with such a parent? She cannot afford a paid guardian.

– Not the Favored Child

Dear Child: I’m sorry that the effort you’re putting in with your mother is being met with unkindness. Set a clear boundary with her around communication. Tell her what kind of talk you won’t put up with and if she crosses the line, remind her that this is not how things are going to go. You don’t have to resort to threats but be firm. “I am taking care of you, and I will not be spoken to like that.”

In non-urgent situations, you can step away if she refuses to relent, regroup, or come back at another time.

Depending on what kind of care your mother needs, there may be other options for assistance beyond a paid guardian. Think about what you can entrust to others; talk to your mother’s healthcare provider or consult with your local Department of Aging about resources that can give you some space.

Dear Eric: I can empathize with “Stuck Wife” who wrote about wanting to travel but feeling stuck at home with a husband suffering from neuropathy. I am a caregiver for my sister, who is in a wheelchair, and felt disappointment at not being able to go to all of the places I wanted to visit for so many years.

However, I found that many of the places I've wanted to visit have now become wheelchair accessible, and we've been able to travel (though it does take an extra step of calling ahead to make certain points of interest are wheelchair accessible).

If the letter writer’s husband is willing to rent an electric wheelchair or scooter, perhaps “Stuck Wife” can still travel with her husband. No, she won't be able to climb Mt. Everest with him, but he can possibly still kayak, raft, zip line, visit museums or lie on the beach or next to her at the pool drinking wine and watching the sun go down. There's always a way to make it work.

– Seeing the World

Dear World: Yes! This is a great point. Changes to physical mobility may impact how we engage with the world, but they do not necessarily mean that the world is completely cut off.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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