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Dear Eric: My mother turns 100 soon. I have three siblings who live in the same city 450 miles away. I live close to and see my mom the most.

I queried my siblings about the most convenient date to celebrate our mother’s 100th birthday. I got feedback and I thought all had agreed to celebrate on her actual birthdate. Several weeks later I received a text from my older sister stating that the date would not work for her family as several of her adult children have to work. This sister has never in the eight years my mom has been in the nursing home visited her once. The other two sibs have visited her very occasionally.

I am very disappointed and disillusioned we can’t all be together to celebrate my mother which would include a family photo. I also feel discouraged as I will be the one responsible for the food, setting up the room and the cleanup.

The two other sisters have decided to come two days prior to celebrate in a private party. They both will leave the following day. We are also having a public party, inviting former neighbors and friends. Is it proper to ask them to share the cost of it?

– Lonely Celebrant

Dear Celebrant: Congratulations and happy birthday to your mother! You can absolutely ask your siblings to help you pay for the party. Now, they may protest if they weren’t involved in the planning, but hopefully they see that you’re doing something very nice for her and realize that helping to foot the bill is the least they can do.

This may not resolve your disappointment, however. It’s important to remember that your expectations and theirs are going to be different. So, while you wish they showed up for your mother more, for some reason they’re not. You may also be feeling the stress of being near and the de facto caregiver.

You can’t change their expectations of themselves, but you can be up front about what you want or need. For instance, if you want a family photo, tell them that that’s very important to you and ask them to prioritize a visit, even though it won’t be for the birthday.

Dear Eric: I am not a big fan of receiving presents. They make me feel anxious and I don’t like everyone’s eyes on me as I sit there opening things.

My mother-in-law loves buying presents for people. Everyone at Christmas, adults and children alike, leaves the house carrying one or more massive tote bags filled with various things. It’s the same for birthdays, and she will even just randomly give us things because she saw it in passing and thought we might like it. Some of the things are very thoughtful, but a lot of it is kitschy stuff I would never choose to buy for myself. I also simply don’t have room for lots of stuff in my small apartment.

My partner says his mom has always been like this and I should just grin and bear it because it makes her happy.

I think she feels I’ll be sad if I don’t get the same number of items as everyone else. I want her to know I will not be offended if I receive a few things while others receive more. I’d much rather watch everyone else have fun opening their gifts over opening a ton myself.

How do I tell her this without making it seem like I don’t appreciate the gesture?

– No Gifts, Please

Dear Gifts: An inveterate gift-giver might appreciate suggestions for the kinds of gifts one wants to receive, even if that suggestion is no gift at all. So, talk to her about how it makes you happy to watch everyone else open gifts. Tell her you appreciate her efforts, but it really would make you more comfortable to not be in the center of attention at big group events opening a gift.

Now, I’m almost certain this will not stop the flow of gifts in your direction completely. But if she’s able to pull back on some of the more public displays, you may find other gifts less anxiety-producing.

You can’t force her to change but you can reframe some of the gift-giving so that it makes you less anxious. Talking will help with that. Remember you’re not critiquing her or telling her to stop; you’re making a request for an adjustment.

Also, focus on your own gratitude for the relationship and the gesture. You don’t have to want the gift in order to be glad you have someone thinking of you. You also might remind yourself that the gifts you don’t want can be donated or re-gifted, leaving you with only the sentiment, which is the most important thing.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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