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Dear Eric: I’ve recently started dating someone who is what you’d call “extremely online.” She’s really active on a bunch of different platforms – Reddit, TikTok, Instagram, Twitch. It’s kind of her whole life. She has a whole community of friends she only knows online and she’s pretty popular on some of the sites.

That’s fine with me. It’s basically none of my business. But I found out from a friend that she has been posting about me and our relationship on some of these sites. She didn’t tell me directly and I didn’t see them because I’m the opposite of her. I’m really not interested in being online much at all.

My friend sent me some of the links and it wasn’t bad stuff, per se. Just her talking about going out to dinner with me or one time her complaining about how I sleep and asking for advice. Seeing people reply about me was really weird. They don’t even know me. And I don’t think I sleep that weird.

I don’t know if I should talk to her about this or not.

– Privacy, Please

Dear Privacy: When you write, “I don’t know if I should talk to her about this,” I’m presuming the “this” is her posting about your relationship in general and not just the sleep thing. If that’s the case, then emphatically yes you should talk to her about it. (You can also talk about your shared sleep habits, but that’s a secondary conversation.)

It’s important that you’re both able to feel seen, heard and accepted in this relationship. She may not realize what she’s sharing about you crosses a line. By talking about it, using “I” statements, like “I’m not comfortable having strangers know details about my life,” you find a common ground and get to know each other better. This is also an opportunity to listen. Ask her what she gets from sharing her life online and if there are ways that you can support that or even participate, should your comfort level allow it.

Dear Eric: My toxic alcoholic brother is two years older than me; we are both around 70. Over the last 20 or so years he has been estranged off and on from various family members, including our parents (now deceased), his children and me.

We currently have a civil relationship, but we are not close.

His mental and physical health has been in decline, and I have had to respond to his medical emergencies several times because we live in the same town and his two sons live out of state.

One son has a strained relationship with him at best and the other son will have nothing to do with him. He is getting close to the point where he will need to move to an assisted living facility and he will need some assistance with choosing a place, managing the finances (he has the income but is careless with money) and eventually moving into the facility where he can get more care.

Although I do not want to totally abandon my brother, I wrestle with having the burden of continuing to help him with these life issues. I have a good relationship with his sons, but I feel like they need to step up and get more involved, despite all of the history and baggage they have with their father. I have plenty of reasons to be resentful of my brother, but I feel an obligation to be of some support because no one else will do it. Frankly, I'm tired of being "good 'ol uncle Fred" but my nephews seem just fine letting me handle everything. What can I do, or am I stuck with this?

– Worn-out Brother

Dear Brother: It’s fair to express these feelings to your nephews – and to your brother, if he still has the mental capacity to process what you’re saying. These aren’t petty complaints. You’re feeling the weight of being a caretaker and you’re asking the family unit as a whole “how are we going to handle this?”

Next steps, for you and for your nephews, can look different depending on each individual’s capacity and on your brother’s financial status. You may find, for instance, that he’s in a position to hire a senior life manager or financial guardian and thereby reduce some of the decisions that need to be made.

Your nephews may set a boundary for how much they can or want to help their father. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to fill in all the cracks. Indeed, it will be helpful for you, also, to figure out where your boundaries are and where you need to step back and call in reinforcements, be it a relative, a professional or some other form of assistance.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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