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Dear Eric: My sister can’t get past the fact that we’re sending our kids to a local public school instead of to the charter school that she sends her kids to. We normally have a good relationship, but this has really become a sticking point for her. It feels like I need to defend public schools every time I see or talk to her, which is nuts. It’s starting to feel political. I’m not a political person. I don’t talk about it. I don’t think she is, either. But this one thing is something she can’t move on from.

I don’t know what her deal is. Her kids are a few years older than mine and so she gave me and my wife hand-me-downs and has been really helpful in a lot of ways. Is it just that we didn’t take her advice about this one thing? What can I say to make her stop bringing it up? I want to be open to the idea that I’m wrong, but I can’t keep second-guessing myself.

Our kids are happy. I like their school. I actually don’t really like the school my sister sends her kids to. I would never say that. But I feel like I’m getting close.

– Classroom Conflict

Dear Classroom: School choice is certainly a lightning rod, but your children’s education is not a group project. So, while others might have opinions or compelling arguments, this decision belongs to you and your wife. At this point it’s necessary to say that clearly and plainly to your sister.

“I respect your opinion about your kids’ school. I appreciate you caring so much about my kids. The more times we talk about it; it feels less like a conversation and more like a debate. Debate is getting in the way of our relationship and I don’t want that. So, for me, this subject is closed. Can you respect that?”

One of the key points here is that her dogmatic insistence is getting in the way of your relationship. There are ways of pointing this out without explicitly blaming her. But she needs to understand that while she may feel the best course of action is to harangue you until you see her side, it’s actually hurting her cause. If she pushes back, remind her that every moment you spend talking about your kids’ school is a moment you and she could be engaging in other ways with each other and building other aspects of your relationship. It may even be necessary to say, “I know you think I’m wrong. This isn’t life or death. I need you to let me ‘be wrong’ in peace.”

Dear Eric: This is in reference to “Fed Up”, a stepmother who wrote that she “despised” her stepson. When I married my husband 42 years ago, his daughter was 11 years old. His ex-wife said she would never let her live with us but one year later she moved in. I was 27 years old and had no idea what I was doing with an 11-year-old stepchild.

We clashed at every turn. We were all miserable but consistently saw our therapist to help us navigate the rocky waters.

In retrospect, I realized that I didn’t understand what she needed and can now clearly see how much I failed her. She is now 52 and lives close by with our two amazing grandsons whom I love more than anything.

She and I have become incredibly close, and I cherish our relationship so much. We talk about our history together and we have apologized for our past behavior but with the understanding that we did our best and are just so grateful for each other.

Being a stepparent is incredibly challenging, but what helped us survive was my husband’s willingness to do whatever it took to keep our family intact. He was the glue that held us all together. I hope “Fed up” can take a step back and put the work into the relationship that is needed.

– Grateful Stepparent

Dear Stepparent: Thank you for this perspective. This letter generated a lot of feedback, much of it echoing what you shared. I want to underscore something very wise that you shared: you were both doing your best and yet there was still conflict. This is the hard truth of some phases of some relationships.

This isn’t to say that every conflict has to be endured. But rather that sometimes, particularly with adult-child conflicts, the adult has to be very intentional about trying their best and assuming the best of the child. Often, children find themselves in situations over which they’ve had no say. This can be frightening, frustrating and disempowering. Adults have maturity, experience and power; it’s imperative that we use them with grace and kindness.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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