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Dear Eric: My brother-in-law (41) is the last of four siblings to get married. He invited the family to his wedding. However, this is a destination wedding, and he said he would like his nephews and nieces to participate in the ceremony, but that the children had to be taken to their babysitters after the ceremony and not be present at the reception.

We have two boys and I’m not comfortable leaving them at a hotel room (or house rental) with a babysitter that we don’t know. My husband is a groomsman. I’m just a guest and not part of the wedding party like my sons and husband. The two other siblings are also married with children, and they are part of the wedding party, but their respective husbands and wives are not.

How can I support my husband to participate in his brothers’ wedding if I’m not comfortable leaving our kids with a stranger at a strange place? Should I just take the kids with me after the ceremony and let my husband be at the reception?

Taking a nanny with us and paying for her trip would be beyond our budget. We are already paying for a trip we didn’t ask for, and I have to purchase outfits for the boys.

I feel that my hands are tied, and I don’t know how to set my boundary without seeming indelicate to the marrying couple and unsupportive to my husband. The brothers had a disagreement a couple of years ago and their friendship has suffered a rift. The future wife and I are not friends. How do I conduct myself without being rude?

– Wedding Guest

Dear Guest: Nothing you’re considering strikes me as rude. While I can see the marrying couple’s logic in providing a sitter instead of having kids at the reception, it’s more than reasonable for you to want to be able to keep eyes on your kids and know who is minding them.

It’s fine for you to say, “I’m just not comfortable having my kids with a stranger and it’s going to impact my enjoyment of the event, so I want to go a different way.” The smoothest path is for you to talk this through with your husband, make sure you’re on the same page and then come up with a plan of action that works for everyone. He can talk to his brother, if need be.

It seems a shame that you’d miss the reception, but that seems the easiest path and could give you a respite from an event that may be less than fun for you. The other option is to leave the kids at home with a trusted sitter. This might save you some money.

Dear Eric: Love your column and I think you give very solid advice. I wonder if you might have missed a little on your answer to the parent of the 22-year-old who works at the parent’s job but is unmotivated and doesn’t complete tasks (“Bad Coworker”). The daughter is most likely not going to listen to the parent's two cents on this. In fact, she is going to need the real-world lesson here, I'm afraid.

The person who is the daughter’s supervisor is probably worried about offending the parent who also is her coworker. First the parent needs to go to the supervisor and basically say, "Throw the book at her!" Give that person carte blanche to treat the daughter as she would any other employee who wasn't performing. The parent trying to tell the daughter will be in one ear and out the other.

Second, I suspect the daughter is living at home. Well, there's the problem because she doesn't have any sense of urgency to make money. This adult needs to be treated like one that can handle her own problems. Yes, things might take a dip until she figures out that she has only herself to rely on. But she won't starve and she won't be homeless unless she has some other undisclosed issues. The parent needs to launch this adult, not enable them.

She needs real-life consequences, or she'll find herself at 30 in the same boat.

– Reader

Dear Reader: I appreciate your letter. It’s a bit more tough love for me, but I can see the value in helping the daughter to launch. What I like the most is the suggestion of talking to the daughter’s supervisor and giving the supervisor the OK to treat the daughter as they would any other employee.

This can be a very valuable lesson and can help make the home/work distinction clearer. It’s likely a murky situation for everyone involved. Best to be upfront with others in the office so they’re empowered to do their jobs and form their own professional relationships.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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