ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I guess I’m tired of reading all the problems people have with their marriages or children or coworkers.

Here’s my problem: none. How do I stay engaged, feel completely fulfilled and happy with my life?

– Happy Life

Dear Life: My answer is going to sound simple, maybe, but I’ve found it to be one of the most complex practices in my life: gratitude.

Let’s start with the first part of your letter: you get tired of reading about other people’s problems. Not for nothing, but that’s kind of the bread and butter of an advice column. However, instead of feeling fatigue when you flip the page of your newspaper, perhaps consider other people’s problems with empathy, which can trigger gratitude that their problems aren't what you’re facing, or that you’ve made it to the other side of a similar issue.

I also find that reading about other people’s challenges makes me think about life in a different, more expansive way. Another thing for which to be grateful.

Gratitude will also help you stay engaged in your own life. It is imperative that you not take your life for granted. Happiness is a gift. And it’s important that you recognize it, that you honor it and that you thank it. You can express gratitude to the people who improve your life, to a higher power if you believe in one and to yourself.

Don’t let one happy day go by without stopping to recognize that happiness is not a given. When you go to bed and when you wake up, make a list of what you’re grateful for, what you’re looking forward to and what’s making you happy. That’s how you stay engaged with your own life. And that’s how you build an emotional fortitude that will help you navigate problems when they come.

Dear Eric: I would like to add another perspective to your response to “Tired of Being Fixed” who often received unsolicited medical advice from a friend. While unsolicited advice is generally unwelcome and not necessary, when sharing difficulties, worries or problems with anyone, it is reasonable to expect a response. The sharer has no control over that response, which is indeed often more than just support.

However, the sharer can control their own response and decide to ignore any advice given. It seems reasonable to me that any person hearing a friend's concerns will offer their take on things. This does not mean the sharer needs to accept the listener's response. Just my opinion.

– You Talk, I Talk Back

Dear Talk Back: I think this is a fair take. Part of conversation is response. Most of the time, when we share things in conversation, we’re hoping that the person we’re talking to will have some opinion or reflection on what we’ve shared. It’s possible that the friendship described in the letter involves one party sharing a lot of medical issues that the other party thinks that the unsolicited advice is the only way to engage.

Your letter reminds me of a question I find enormously helpful in all kinds of relationships: “are you looking for advice or do you simply need to be heard?” There’s a very clear distinction between the two. Sometimes, we just need to get our thoughts out. That said, getting one’s thoughts out isn’t always something a friend or loved one can handle at the moment. It’s important to know our audience and to manage expectations on all sides.

Dear Eric: I just read about the son who is trying to help his 98-year-old father with dementia, and that the father's friends have stopped visiting (“Caring for Dad”). My husband and I aren't that old yet, but we have lost our parents, and several other siblings and close friends. My husband has a gift for these people when they are dying, and sometimes not in the present. He talks about the past. The things that they have shared together, interests, anything to get their mind to where they used to be, even if the stories have changed.

Maybe “Caring for Dad” can have his father's friends try this, just like the old times. I think sometimes it's difficult when we don't know what to say, when someone isn't in the moment.

– Good Memories

Dear Memories: This is a lovely suggestion, and it could be very helpful to the letter writer and others. Sometimes when friends or loved ones experience medical challenges that change the way they operate in the world, or even change their level of cognitive ability, it can be hard to adjust. Walking down memory lane with a person whose short-term memory is failing can be a good way to recognize the present, while appreciating the past for what it gave you.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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