ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I love my wife of 29 years so deeply.

Recently, she took a tumble down the stairs when going down to use the bathroom. She broke her pelvis, is in excruciating pain, and has lost all mobility.

While I feel awful for what she is going through, this is an awful lot on me as well. She is very petite and slim, and I am still a tall, strong guy.

She has accepted wearing an adult diaper, but I still have to carry her up and down the stairs for the bathroom.

Everything she used to do (cooking, shopping, tidying up, pet care, et cetera) is now on my shoulders on top of my full-time job.

I feel so bad for her, but this is hard on me as well. We cannot afford any help. How can I get over feeling resentful?

– Struggling Husband

Dear Husband: It’s important to remember that this isn’t a situation that she caused. I know you know this, but it’s a truth that can sometimes get pushed to the background of the mind when resentment starts to build. Not only that, but she’s dealing with incapacitation, a loss of independence, and excruciating pain. This isn’t to say there needs to be a hierarchy of suffering. Rather, just to highlight that this is a very difficult position for you to be in together.

It sounds like your wife was doing a lot for your household, so you’re both feeling the pressure of this change.

You’re not alone in feeling the strain of providing care for a loved one. Caregivers sometimes express frustration or feelings of being overwhelmed because they need more support. It’s OK to acknowledge those feelings to yourself. It isn’t a betrayal of your wife to tell yourself “I wish this hadn’t happened. I’m feeling a lot of pressure. Today has been hard.” It might lessen the resentment.

There are other options for help. Reach out to the hospital social worker, your insurance company, or to your primary care physician’s office to see what support might be available locally for people in your financial position. I acknowledge that is also another task on your plate, which might make it untenable. Reach out to friends and family to see if they can lend a hand by making calls for you, forming a meal train, coming over to clean, or providing help in other ways.

Remind yourself that it’s not forever and talk with your wife about how you can best show up for her and how you can reach out for assistance.

Dear Eric: Four years ago, I found out that my husband, 79-years-old at that time, had an emotional affair with an old girlfriend from college.

We have been married 52 years with adult children and grandkids. Still, he doesn’t admit it was an affair but rather some correspondence in which he probably went overboard.

He said some very hurtful things about our marriage, like he didn’t marry me for love, but to have children; I am not his soulmate; he wants to be with her all the time but can’t; she is the one he still loves and respects.

He says he stopped the affair. He is very good and attentive to me now. But I still can’t get over it. Still reading the emails, still crying about it. How can I put it behind me?

– Still In Pain

Dear Still In Pain: These are awful, hurtful things to read; I’m so sorry. There are at least two things that are needed here.

First, you need space to process this away from him. That might be in individual therapy, or with a faith leader, or another professional trained to help you understand your grief and all the other feelings his emails brought up. This surely affects the way you feel about yourself, as well as your marriage. You need time to work through that, to heal, and to decide what you want this relationship to be moving forward.

Couples therapy will also help, but the priority is you and your emotional health. Unfortunately, this isn’t an emotional wound that’s going to just fade away. But there is hope beyond this moment. You deserve to be reminded that you’re worthy of love and respect.

The second thing that’s needed is accountability and amends. Your husband is attentive now, but has he taken responsibility for his actions? Has he apologized? Has he made meaningful amends? What he did can’t be taken back. But it’s important to acknowledge that his actions have changed your relationship. It’s not your responsibility to guide him through this. He has work to do here. After which, he can and should be talking with you – preferably in counseling – about what he can do to help address the harm he’s caused.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.