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Dear Eric: Recently my parents shared how their estate will be divided when they pass. They have worked hard and lived a modest life, and it goes without saying that they are entitled to do as they please with their estate.

In sharing how they intend to divide their estate, my parents informed me that I would not receive a share since “I don’t need it because I’ve been successful.” Instead, their estate will be divided amongst my siblings and the portion that would be mine will go to a charity of my parent’s choice. Incidentally, said charity is counter to my belief system but the gift would be in my name.

This feels like a blow in a relationship I’ve worked hard to maintain, and I struggle with how to proceed. I was adopted as an infant; I’m black and was adopted into a white family. They are deeply religious and I am not. I have struggled with feelings of belonging in this family and in terms of race I often felt unheard and misperceived.

I have had some dialogue with my parents about my experiences, but the discussions do not go well and they become defensive. I always felt like an outsider and this exclusion from their estate feels like running a red pen under the fact that I am not like them. It’s so deeply hurtful.

We walk a narrow bridge of commonality. I’ve worked hard to maintain a loving relationship with them, but this news of their estate feels like the final message they are sending is one of hurtful exclusion. I’m wondering how to move forward.

– Excluded Daughter

Dear Daughter: First, let me say I’m very sorry. This act is cruel – part of a long history of cruelties – and you don’t deserve it.

I hope that you’re able to process your feelings about your adoption and your family with a therapist or another trusted, skilled professional. It’s important that you’re able to be heard, and that you’re able to hear that you’re not alone and you’re worthy of love and belonging.

Part of that work will be thinking about what relationship you want to have with your parents moving forward. Some of this takes hard acceptance: that they’re not capable or willing to be the people that they should be.

You don’t need to suppress your needs in order to keep the peace. So, if you find that it would be helpful to tell them – in person or in a letter – how you feel in response to their decision, listen to that voice. This may not be what you ultimately decide you need, but it’s important to remember that you don’t bear the responsibility of inclusion, love and acceptance alone.

Dear Eric: I’m newly in love, with myself and my life, but also with another person. I’m nervous that it’s all going to fall apart. But that’s not really the issue.

I’ve always feared the worst. And a lot of times the worst has happened. I work on this in therapy a lot. But I need to know if it’s OK to just focus on being happy for a minute. I’ve worked through a lot of trauma in my life and I’m willing to keep doing it. I know I need to. I know that nothing in life is as simple as it seems. But am I allowed to just enjoy the present? Or is that irresponsible?

– Finally Happy

Dear Happy: You are absolutely allowed to enjoy the present. In fact, to not do so would be robbing yourself of the fruits of your past labors. You do the work in therapy to heal past hurts and to lay a healthy groundwork for your future. Without getting too “time-travelly” about it, you’re currently in your past’s future. You’re living a version of what you dreamed. And it doesn’t have to be perfect or complete. Indeed, life is never either of those things. But if you don’t let yourself acknowledge the joys and successes you have, you may start to think that your life is all work, and process, and imperfection, which becomes its own narrative.

Practicing presentness will really help you here. Talk to your therapist about it or pick up the book “Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World” by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.

Years ago, a mentor told me “Eric, there is no other shoe that’s going to drop.” I’m not so sure. Sometimes there are many shoes. Sometimes life is a DSW Warehouse. But the existence of other shoes doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to feel joy. It does one a disservice to pretend that life isn’t a mixed bag. However, embracing the good – acknowledging it, marking it, thanking it – is what gives us the skills to navigate the bad.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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