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Dear Eric: My 15-year-old daughter has a host of diagnoses that my husband and I are trying to navigate. We are receiving service and advice from a psychiatrist, a therapist, an occupational therapist and a speech therapist.

My problem is that I am constantly receiving rude comments and unwanted advice about my daughter. These fall into two main categories: questioning her medication and offering other comments on her behaviors.

How do I politely tell people that their comments are rude and that I do not wish the conversation to continue?

The issue is mostly with visitors coming to my house and us visiting relatives who are not aware of our day-to-day lives. My daughter's pills are in the bathroom, so she remembers to take them, and I've had visitors say things like "that's a lot of medication" and "she seems out of it, don't you think?"

I recently visited my sister out of state, and she was adamant that we address one of my daughter's behaviors in a particular way, even though we assured her it was already being addressed.

As a parent of a child with a lot of challenges, how do I tell these people that caring for my daughter is exhausting (my husband and I both work full time) and that we need their support, not their criticism?

– A Fed-up Mom

Dear Mom: I’m sorry you’re having to deal with these comments. Even if well-intentioned, this kind of unsolicited feedback can be extremely frustrating and even hurtful.

It may help you to head it off at the pass by bringing it up before guests come over or before you next visit someone else. You can be transparent about it, saying, “you may notice my daughter’s medication in the bathroom. People sometimes bring it up. I want to ask that you not do that. We’re in very good hands medically and we want to keep all feedback to our care team.” This sets an expectation for guests in your home and can help them redirect any instinct they might have to offer suggestions.

Similarly, when visiting, you might try to preview what could happen in advance. I know that you may not know what will happen, but again you can reference past situations. “Sometimes my daughter does [example behavior], and others have found it [frustrating, inappropriate or whatever descriptor you feel is best]. This isn’t something she’s fully in control of and we are working to get her the help she needs. I’m telling you in advance because I want our visit to be a success and I want to ask for your patience and your grace.” Then ask them if they have any questions and give them suggestions for how they might respond in a helpful way. It’s fine if the ideal response is for them to ignore it.

Dear Eric: My ex was always bad with money. Credit card bills, collection agency calls, gambling issues. You name it. We were together for 10 years right out of college and now we’ve been apart for about five. My credit is almost back to something respectable but my bank account sure isn’t. But I’m doing OK.

He’s not doing so well, though. Surprise surprise. He’s got a chance to take a job that will pay him well, but it’s a long commute and he doesn’t have a car. He asked me to co-sign his loan with him. I want to help him get on his feet but I’m not sure if this is the right way. What do you think?

– Bad Credit

Dear Credit: Absolutely not. I’m so sorry, but he needs to come up with a different plan. From your telling, he still has a fraught relationship with money and bills, so he may not even be in a position to responsibly manage a car payment. Looping yourself into that scenario is only going to create more financial and emotional issues for you.

There may be a part of you that thinks if you do enough for him you can fix him or help him fix himself. This is not your fault, but it is something you should address. Even if you’re still good friends, you’re also exes and so you need to redraw the boundary between the two of you. One place to start is Melody Beattie’s book, “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.”

If you still feel compelled to make this easier for your ex, consider helping him look for financial counseling or reputable, non-predatory debt relief services, or helping him brainstorm other ways of getting to work. Is public transportation an option? Can he get a ride from coworkers? There are other ways of providing support, should you feel compelled, that don’t get reported to the credit bureaus.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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