ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My 23-year-old stepdaughter moved in with us four years ago. She leaves for days on end and doesn’t let her dad know where she is. We both worry. She has been gone for months at a time.

A couple months ago, I ventured into her bedroom because I had an electrician coming and I found a disgusting mess: garbage and dirty clothes everywhere.

I sent all her dirty laundry (garbage bags full) out to be laundered and cleaned her room.

When she came home days later, she was mad. She took bags full of her stuff, went right for the front door and left without saying a word. She left me a nasty note that said we “violated her privacy.”

It’s been two months and, this week, she said she wanted to come for a visit. When we were dropping her back off at her mom’s, she said, “I will be home Monday.” Her dad and I just looked at each other in shock. Home?

I told him she cannot keep just popping in and out without notice. We can’t tell her what to do, she is technically an adult, but her lifestyle is not welcome in our home.

Am I right to stick to my guns and not allow her to return to our home? What can I say to her dad that may help him understand? He is very unhappy with her lifestyle also, but he doesn’t want to deal with it.

– Sick of It

Dear Sick of It: You’re right to advocate for your needs in your own home, but you and your husband need to get on the same page about how your shared space works and what the ground rules are. This will better set you up to have a productive conversation with your stepdaughter about what everyone expects going forward.

So, start by asking your husband what he wants from this situation and tell him what you want, too. It’s fine if what you want is for your home to just be the two of you.

It sounds like your stepdaughter is struggling to find her place in life and, perhaps, taking advantage of her parents’ generosity. Even if you and your husband agree to let her move in again, you’ll still need to have a resetting conversation about what is and is not expected in your home. Simply put, there’s no way that your husband won’t have to deal with this. This is a lifelong relationship and so he needs to be clear with you, with himself, and with his daughter about what is and is not acceptable.

Dear Eric: My daughter has always been respectful and courteous. Her boyfriend is sometimes, but not always, respectful or courteous to us. As far as we know, we have never done anything to create a hostile environment with him. They plan to marry.

A recent incident where he thought I was doing a task wrong (I wasn't) caused him to react in a most discourteous way and left me wondering if I should finally speak out.

Should I express my concerns to my daughter, telling her that I worry about this behavior being directed at her also? Should my spouse and I threaten to stop all future outings, meals, etc. that we frequently treat them to? Do we speak to him directly, or go through my daughter?

I don't want to alienate my daughter, but I don't want to continue to bite my tongue and say nothing, either.

– Tolerant, to a Degree

Dear Tolerant: Reading between the lines, it seems that though the boyfriend’s recent actions are part of a pattern of behavior that you’re noticing. You write that you are considering “finally” speaking out, which suggests that other incidents have been a problem, though perhaps not as big a problem as this most recent incident.

If that’s the case, then I’d suggest talking to your daughter and also to the boyfriend. Talking to your daughter helps keep her in the loop and can open up a conversation about what appropriate responses are. If you fear that she’s being mistreated in the relationship, you’ll want to make yourself available as a listening ear and a helping hand. So, ultimatums and threats aren’t the best course of action. Instead, point out concerns you’ve had and ask her if she shares those concerns.

You can also let her know that you intend to talk to the boyfriend but make it clear that it’s about your relationship with him not his relationship with your daughter. This, for now, is staying in the appropriate lane. You felt disrespected by him and in order to have a healthy relationship moving forward, you need to address it, share how you felt, and ask for an apology if you feel that’s warranted.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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