ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I am 72 and a father of five. Over time, my relationship with my wife has become very difficult. She is loudly critical, demanding and nagging, holding back all kinds of affection.

Meaningful conversations between my wife and me are thwarted by her unwillingness to engage in rational discussions. Whenever I attempt to convey my perspective, I am met with dismissal. I frequently feel unheard, and unresolved issues linger like shadows over our interactions.

She doesn’t hesitate to put me down in front of our children. Our kids grew up in a house where arguments were the norm.

I don't want to take any extreme steps after 45 years of marriage and five kids, but I keep thinking that I don’t deserve this.

One of the daughters, who is very bold and the wisest of all, says, “You have lost your chances due to your weakness. Now, the only thing you can do is endure with grace.”

For the sake of our children's happiness and well-being, I've chosen to prioritize harmony, be more understanding and avoid conflicts, to create a peaceful environment.

But the more I compromise, the more she takes advantage, using our kids as leverage.

– Stuck at Home

Dear Stuck: Your children are adults. So, while they were surely impacted by the home life in which they were raised and are entitled to their opinions, they shouldn’t dictate how you live your life. If the marriage isn’t working, as seems to be the case, you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to make a change.

I have to disagree with your daughter: you still have a chance here. Yes, that chance might lead to you deciding this is no longer a workable union. But that’s not the only option.

The first option is family therapy for you and your wife, if you can afford it. The communication between the two of you isn’t working and you need a safe, neutral, informed space in which to process that and build new habits.

Another option is to set new boundaries and communicate them clearly to your wife. You can say something like, “when you talk about me negatively in front of our kids, I feel hurt. That doesn’t communicate love to me. Would you respect me enough to change that behavior?”

This may not seem like the most harmonious course at first, but I would argue that much of the harmony you referenced is manufactured. From what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem that you feel you’re living in harmony. It’s right to say so. It’s right to ask for something more.

Dear Eric: A friend of mine has a man cave that has a kitchen, bathroom and pool table. We get together on Saturday evenings for a potluck dinner and conversation. Attendees provide as they can.

One couple are infrequent visitors but are always welcome. She brings store-bought goodies, which is perfectly fine, but there are rarely enough servings to ensure everyone has a helping.

She also brings empty containers to fill with leftovers. This is also fine. However, she doesn't take a normal portion. She takes at least half of the remainder of the dish. She explains that she requires medication with food to prevent gastric distress (I don’t see why she can't bring it with her).

I have often been happy to see a significant amount of my dish left over, only to retrieve an empty dish during cleanup. I'm not the only one to notice, but is it worth it to address it?

– No Leftovers

Dear Leftovers: Addressing it at the group level seems more likely to leave this couple feeling embarrassed and perhaps unwelcome, so if you do choose to talk to them about it, try to do it solo. However, if you enjoy their company and there’s enough other food for everyone to have a good time, you might just let it be.

It’s possible that this is a couple that’s experiencing some kind of food scarcity, which might explain why they don’t bring very much. It’s also possible that that’s not the case and they simply have different standards when it comes to shared hospitality. What’s important, within the context of these gatherings, is that the group has what it needs to enjoy the time together. The nature of potlucks makes this easy. The burden of creating the space is shared, which means that sometimes people take on a little more and others take on a little less all in the name of quality time.

I’d encourage you to think of it that way. However, if you often find that you had your heart set on leftovers that get scooped up before you can take them, next time you might set aside a portion for yourself before you leave home. This way you won’t be disappointed.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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