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Dear Eric: Three of us attended high school together and remained close friends for many decades, even though we sometimes lived quite far from each other.

A few years ago, “Beth” had some medical problems that were exacerbated by COVID, and she had to retire unexpectedly from a fulfilling job. She fell into a deep depression and withdrew from us. We kept in touch with her family, who updated us about her ups and downs. They let us know that it wasn’t just us. She isolated herself from everyone, even some of her own family. She tried therapy and anti-depressants, but nothing seemed to work.

We sent gifts, cards of encouragement, emails, texts. Nothing has been acknowledged for at least a couple of years. Our last phone calls were over four years ago.

Her grown son, Michael, has just let us know that Beth has a terminal illness. He has been wonderful about keeping us informed about her condition, but is dissuading us from contacting his mother, who has remained firm in her desire to remain isolated from friends. I might add that Beth’s immediate family is very caring and supportive, so she’s not lacking help and comfort.

It is heartbreaking to lose this friend of 60 years without saying goodbye, telling her how much she has meant to us and letting her know that we cherish years of treasured memories.

Do we remain silent or reach out? So far, we’re just taking cues from Michael.

– Two Left Behind

Dear Left Behind: My heart aches for Beth and for you; what a terrible situation all around. I think you’re going to need to express your goodbye one way or another, even if you don’t express it directly to Beth, per her request.

Start with a letter. You’re grieving and those feelings need somewhere to go. Write her a letter telling her what she’s meant to you, reflecting on the memories you’ve shared and expressing what you’re feeling now.

You may find that the act of writing alone meets the need that you have. But, if you’re still wishing for another way to say goodbye, reach out to Michael and ask if he’ll simply receive the letter for you. He can honor his mother’s wishes by not sharing it with her but there still could be something healing in simply making the gesture.

You might also let Michael know that if he ever wants a fond remembrance of his mother, he is free to read them. This goodbye could help his grief as well down the road.

Dear Eric: I’ve never written to a columnist before but felt compelled to put in my two cents about the letter from “Ignored Friend”. The letter writer resented that one of her friend’s teenage sons was uncommunicative, seemingly rude and wore headphones at joint family dinners.

I have a son who sounds like the young lad in that column. He was shy and wore headphones a lot. Listening to music and books.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s at 35 and psychosis was part of the disease. He talked about doing all he could to cancel out the voices and noise in his head.

As a mother I knew other people thought he was rude and I was criticized for allowing what they thought was rude behavior. Quite the opposite. A kinder, more compassionate person you’ll never meet.

This letter writer has no idea the stress and concern parents feel for a child who may be experiencing a difficult time in his life. If this bothers the letter writer so much, I suggest just staying home. Kindness wins out every single time.

– Keeping Kind

Dear Keeping: Thank you for this perspective. Your point is such a valuable one: we never really know what someone else is experiencing. And so, conversation, compassion and curiosity are always more helpful than resentment and judgment.

By sharing it, I don’t mean to suggest – and I don’t think you mean to suggest – a possible medical diagnosis for the person in the letter.

As an aside, often responses will come in that do attempt to diagnose a medical condition or remedy based on a brief description of a problem in a letter. Sometimes those responses will come from actual doctors. And almost always, if there’s one diagnosis, there’s another response with a completely opposite, equally confident diagnosis. It’s my policy not to share those opinions. Medical advice should come from a professional who can ask follow-up questions and, ideally, evaluate directly.

I think these suggestions come from a good place, however. An empathetic place. Empathy is missing from so many interactions. I think it’s what lies at the heart of the wonderful advice that you’re offering in this reply. Empathy can change our perspective, diffuse conflicts and transform our relationships.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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