Husband Forgets 20th Anniversary
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband forgot our 20-year wedding anniversary, and I've been sobbing about it for a whole week. I planned a surprise romantic dinner for us, and I got him a really nice watch that he has been eyeing for a while. He, however, had nothing planned for me and no gift awaiting me. I've been with him for 20 years, and he can't even remember me.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is part of a larger issue. Throughout our marriage, I have often been the one responsible for remembering birthdays, holidays, family gatherings and special occasions. I am usually the person planning celebrations, buying gifts and making sure everyone feels appreciated. Sometimes it feels like I carry the emotional load of keeping our family connected while everyone else simply shows up. My husband insists that it was an honest mistake and says he feels terrible about forgetting. He has apologized several times and keeps telling me that it doesn't mean he loves me any less. I want to believe him, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness. Is it reasonable that I feel this hurt, or am I overthinking? -- Unappreciated
DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: It seems you have awakened to the reality of your relationship dynamics, and you aren't happy -- but it also seems that your husband has been consistent over the years. If you haven't pushed him to be thoughtful and you have taken all the responsibility for your relationship's milestones, you shouldn't be surprised by his inaction.
That said, you can call for change now. Tell your husband how you feel and what you want: more attention, more proactivity and more thoughtfulness. Ask him to step up and do more for you. Cheerlead him. Perhaps he will get a bit better.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a chronic people pleaser. As the youngest in my family, I think I've never felt ownership over who I am. I found myself guided by the opinions and perceived opinions of those around me. As I've become an adult, those opinions have only gotten louder and more confusing. I'm realizing I need to find my own path because I'm the one who will have to walk down it. However, when you've been a people pleaser for so long, many of those closest to you become accustomed to being catered to. This makes changing that behavior even more difficult. Although I shouldn't, I feel bad when I disappoint those around me, even when I understand that it comes with boundary setting. I'm not trying to become a selfish person, but I have to start making space for myself. How do you recommend I begin to communicate that in my existing relationships? -- People Pleaser
DEAR PEOPLE PLEASER: Announce that you are turning a new leaf and redefining your life. That includes making yourself a priority. Apologize in advance for not being able to jump whenever they call. Note that you will be putting yourself first. When people start making demands, note when you cannot do what they have requested and remind them that you must take care of yourself, and this will sometimes mean they have to take care of themselves without your support.
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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2026 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
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