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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is our second year to host my husband's family for Thanksgiving. Last year, my brother-in-law and his wife extended our invitation to her parents, her brother and his daughter -- members of her extended family who I have met a few times, but don't know well.

I made room for them, but I would prefer to not have people I barely know invited by our guests to our home on a holiday.

How can I be clear, without being rude, that we would be happy for my brother-in-law and his wife to join us, but the invitation is not for his wife's extended family?

My husband grew up often having extra guests at their home for holidays, so my brother-in-law seems to think that's just what you do at holidays. And apparently my sister-in-law does not like to cook, so she didn't want to host, while I spend a lot of time and effort to thoughtfully prepare the holiday table setting and special meal.

GENTLE READER: Are you familiar with the Thanksgiving legend? Isn't it about inclusive hospitality?

It is not to push an unwanted burden on you that Miss Manners brings this up. If you had argued that the effort of entertaining so many people was too much for you, she would have been sympathetic, although she would have suggested ways in which you could enlist help from others, starting with your husband. Or targeted other relatives to be hosts, with the precedent of your sister-in-law's apparently being excused entirely on those grounds.

But Thanksgiving is just not the occasion to complain about breaking bread with people you barely know -- even though you met them last year, and they happen to be related to your husband's brother.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduate of a very well-known prestigious girls' school. I have a box of blank note cards with the school seal on the front signifying the writer as an alumna.

I like using blank cards to write my own words of thanks, sympathy and the like, but was wondering if this card would seem pretentious when used for that. I am proud of my academic background, but not obnoxious. What would you think an appropriate use of these cards?

GENTLE READER: Birthday wishes to your classmates. Instructions to the school about how you want any donations you make to be used. Cute notes to your parents. Bookmarks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I do so want to keep current with any new guidelines. However, I thought the old rule was that the maid of honor was in charge, the other bridesmaids helped, and that they all gave the bridal shower together.

I've noticed, over the past 20 years, that more often than not, the mother of the bride or groom gives the shower. Has the rule changed?

GENTLE READER: No, but attitudes have.

Miss Manners would like to believe that this trend was motivated by the desire to save the bridesmaids money and trouble. She is afraid that it is more likely part of the readiness with which people now honor themselves rather than wait for others to do so.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN