ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: To settle a debate: After an election has been "called," which candidate properly phones the other? The winner or the loser, and why?

I say it's like a tennis match, in which the winner graciously makes the first move to contact the other side, so as not to appear arrogant.

My colleague counters that to do so rubs salt in the wound, and that the loser is the one to first contact the winner with congratulations.

We both have some logic on our sides, and we do not know if there is a social convention that supersedes our respective analyses.

GENTLE READER: The point goes to your colleague, although Miss Manners is inclined to take back half for his indifference to social convention.

She refrains because both you and your opponent's logical reasons suffer from the same fatal flaw. The flaw is not that you both confuse elections with sporting events -- or that you think election candidates are gracious, while your colleague thinks candidates have feelings.

The problem is that you both look at the call as a personal interaction, rather than a professional one. The reason the loser calls the winner is that it increases faith in the electoral process by having the loser acknowledge defeat, a relevant lesson in our time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have many friends. He has a big family, while mine is small. However, we seem to be the only ones hosting holiday gatherings and other social events. Maybe we are just the "party house," but shouldn't someone reciprocate at some point?

For the most part, our friends and relatives seem to care about us, and we care about them. Should we ignore this or seek new friends?

GENTLE READER: Hospitality is meant to be shared, although it need not always be in exactly the same form.

Guests who think an occasional bottle of wine flung on the counter has rendered this custom obsolete should note that any sensible hostess will disagree.

And while it would be an extreme solution for this particular problem, perhaps family would do well to consider that these days relatives, as well as friends, can be replaced. Perhaps it would be better just to ask who is willing to take a turn, as you are not hosting this year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice now, I have experienced people offloading their grief on special occasions. I once spent a Christmas with daily updates from a distant friend about the death of her husband's grandmother. Every message talked about how Christmas had been ruined and how she couldn't stop crying.

Another time, I was messaged on my birthday with, "Happy birthday, but I've had the most terrible day as my aunt has died and I am heartbroken."

Both times, I responded politely and with empathy, which encouraged further messages about their losses. Both people in question are adept at seeking attention in general, but I do feel awful about resenting this.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette is how you act; how you feel about it is a different department.

But Miss Manners would expect a larger issue to be not whether they interrupted a good time, but whether they would support you in a similar position.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN