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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The oddest thing started happening to me when I reached my 80s: Strangers began approaching me to tell me how beautiful I am. It continues regularly at the supermarket, at restaurants or on the bus.

It is unnerving and embarrassing. All my life, no one ever told me I was cute or attractive. I am not ugly, but I've never thought I was pretty, either.

Have you heard from other elderly ladies who have experienced this phenomenon? If so, what do they attribute it to? I'm stumped.

GENTLE READER: You are presumably classifying this with the patronizing remarks that are often made to old people, especially women: pretending to mistake their age, addressing them as if they were trying to pass for young, and speaking to them as if they were cute children. There is plenty of that going around.

But there is also a less condescending possibility: The admiration may actually be sincere.

Our society is far from throwing off the notion that aging is unfortunate, if not reprehensible. But Miss Manners has seen small signs that older women are not considered as invisible as they used to be. Powerful women are conspicuous in politics and business. Actresses who are no longer ingenues make striking appearances, not only in dramas, but also at formal events. Even the fashion industry is beginning to realize that the slim youngsters they have always favored have considerably less buying power than their seniors.

Then it becomes noticeable that, as with older men, some are more attractive than others. The standard for beauty is obviously different. Beauty in the freshness of youth is not the same as beauty in the majesty of old age.

So you might consider the possibility that although you were not considered pretty when young, you are now beautiful. And that some people are sophisticated enough to recognize that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a woman in her 70s who looks her age, I increasingly find myself in situations where service people talk down to me. They probably think they are being flattering, but I don't see it that way.

For instance, I recently had a haircut and the stylist called me "Gorgeous" several times, as in, "Would you like me to trim your bangs, Gorgeous?"

Then there was an oral surgeon who kept calling me "young lady." I didn't want to be snarky with a man who was about to drill into my jawbone, so I said nothing. What can I (politely) say to these people to let them know their remarks aren't appreciated?

GENTLE READER: All right, this is the patronizing version of complimenting the elderly. Those who call you "young lady" do not actually believe you are young; they believe that you want to pass for young. And there is a difference between blurting out that a woman is beautiful and addressing her by the cheeky title of "Gorgeous."

But as you said, it is often unwise to retaliate, pointing out that these people are trying -- and failing -- to pass for charming. Especially if they are armed with a drill. The real comeback will be when that surgeon is old and young men call him "young fella" and young women tell him he is cute.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN